The Great Escape

I think we have all had that feeling of wanting to pack a bag and set out on the open road, never to look back.  We are filled with a great hope that whatever we are running from won't find us wherever we are going.  We are trying to escape the weight of our world in pursuit of a place [whether physical or mental] of peace, contentment, and fulfillment. Or we are merely searching for a place to help us forget.

The Getaway

This past week Mark and I took the baby camper out for its maiden voyage of the summer.  For the most part the renovations had been finished and it was ready to take on the open road.  I don't think there was a more perfect week to be in South Dakota: encompassed by a perfect breeze, warm skies, the unwavering beauty of the cottonwood trees, and the chorus of the Missouri River waves lapping against the shoreline.  For four days I felt as if I had somehow escaped the reality of my world: my world of doctors appointments, PICC lines, IV antibiotics, pharmacy visits, phone calls, treatments, school, restlessness, the chaos of my life, decisions, disappointments, etc.  For some reason I felt as if none of it existed.  Everything was right in the world.  Sure, I still had to do treatments, take my cocktail of pills, do IV meds, study for a midterm, homework, etc, but it still seemed like I had escaped my other world for just a few moments.  Just merely existing, taking in what was around me, appreciating the mere beauty of it all, and just breathing were all that really mattered.  

As Thursday morning approached and our time to pack up the baby camper became a reality, I began to find myself getting crabby, restless, and nauseous.  I didn't want to think about my world so patiently waiting for me back in Sioux Falls: the appointments, the treatments, the renewed strength and stamina I needed to somehow find to continue to fight and win this current battle with my lungs, teaching, and class.  Following class, Thursday night I would drive straight to Minneapolis for a morning doctors appointment with my MN CF team: thrown so quickly back into the realities that are my world.  

Reality

We all try to escape, whether it is in a day dream, looking up to the sky to take in its beauty, losing ourself in a conversation with a friend, or taking off with bags packed on a quick getaway.  The one thing that still remains though, is our world is still waiting for us wherever our great escape may lead us.  We may be able to escape our life for a bit, but we cannot outrun it.  It's the only life we have been given, and it is ours to live fully. Even if it is filled with doctors appointments, PICC lines, IV antibiotics, and extra treatments: this life is all mine.  I am grateful for the little escapes, but know they cannot last forever: it's always back to life, back to reality. 

There will always be an open road in which you yearn to set out upon, leaving all the weight of your world behind.  But this is the life you have been given, you are strong enough to live it, and no one can live it like you can.  Sure, we all need an escape every once in awhile, but your true, beautiful life will always be waiting.

Are you living your life or trying to make an escape?

Home

Have you ever thought about the definition of the word "home?"  What does that word embody to you and how does it make you feel?  Is it a tangible place, or merely a place in your heart for nostalgia and memories to reside?

Photo by Sawyer Vanden Heuvel 
Falls Park, Sioux Falls, SD

Today, I have been thinking a lot about home and what that exactly means.  The city in which I currently have called home for the past 1O years has been hit hard with large amounts of rain, hail, and wind.  The damage in Sioux Falls, however, is nothing compared to where I grew up just 3O miles away. The area in which I grew up in has been left devastated from torrential storms.  Roads are washed out, levies have broken flooding area towns and destroying many homes and livelihoods.  The destruction is heartbreaking.   I will always feel a special connection to those country roads, open skies, cow filled pastures, and rural communities.  After all, the landscape of my childhood and some of the dearest memories and people in my life have come from this beautiful community.



Remembering When

Photo by M-Kopter Aerials
NW Iowa Flooding

To see the place in which I spent my childhood completely ravaged by mother nature makes my heart sink, and it makes me homesick. What am I homesick for? The house I grew up in? The good people that cultivated my growing years?  The expansive sky that seemed so full of limitless possibility? A time when my life seemed simpler?  A time when I was healthier and took each day for granted? All of the above?

Photo by M-Kopter Aerials - NW Iowa Flooding

It's been almost 1O years since I have last seen my childhood home, but I could still walk it with my eyes closed.  I can still hear the way the ceiling would creak when it was windy, feel the carpet between my toes, and the sound of baseball games across the road.  I can see my childhood dog waiting for me at the top of the stairs as I get home from school.  There are moments I would give anything to be back in that house, even just for 1O minutes.  Is it the physical house I want to experience again? No, that's just a bunch of walls and paint.  I want to be immersed in the feelings and memories of what home represents.


My Home

Our Home, Sioux Falls, SD

Home isn't a place: it's a feeling, it's memories, it's people, it's a landscape for life.  I am so incredibly thankful for every place I have called my home and the people that have impacted me in every place.  My "home" is filled with beautiful memories, sounds, feelings, people I love, and breaths of gratitude: both past and present.


Sending all the very best thoughts and prayers to the people of NW Iowa: my heart aches for all of you.     Your willingness to pull together in this devastating time is so incredibly humbling, and it reminds me of what a great community I came from.  Breathe bravely, my dear Iowans.  Love to you all.


Take a moment today and think about what home means to you. 

The Best Medicine

My stomach hurts.  I can't catch my breath.  I am gasping for air.  Tears stream down my cheeks. My body shakes.  What's happening to me? Laughter has filled every part of me with a side splitting uncontrollable case of the giggles. You know the feeling.

Laughter.  It can do so much for your soul, your mood, and the outlook you have on life. It can break barriers, create new memories, and it can be the catalyst in forging new relationships. Laughter is a miraculous thing.

Why don't we allow ourselves to laugh more? It doesn't have to be the uncontrollable, full body, ab cramping laughter. It can be a simple silent giggle beneath our breath or an innocent smile we can't seem to repress.  We all have something, whether it be a specific memory, event, friend, picture, comedic movie or television show, or funny cat video that can bring a hearty laugh to our lips or just make our soul smile.  Whatever it may be, they all comfort the soul with renewing joy.

I love to see people laugh: it shows me they're happy.  Laughter and happiness are contagious.  Have you ever tried to remain somber while someone is having a complete laughing attack? It's nearly impossible, and you can't help but be sucked in by their happiness.  Joyous laughter is a powerful force of good.

Weight of the World
The seriousness of life and the somber realities that surround us can fill us with anxiety, worry, and  leave us feeling despondent.  Laughter that once so easily danced on each breath, is now replaced by sighs of worry and melancholy.  Suddenly, it feels as if the weight of the world is bearing down on our shoulders. We become serious, pensive, and sometimes cold.  The world around us
seems to have stolen any laughter that lived within us: it can only be heard in the echoes of our memories.

I haven't laughed as much as I have this week in a long time.  I almost forgot how much I love to laugh and how powerful it can be.  When life gets busy, when life confronts us with serious issues, or when we become lost among life's noise and regimen, there seems to be no room or time for such lighthearted folly.  In the serious and sometimes painful world we live in, we can feel as if laughter is a form of betrayal.  That laughter means we don't care, appreciate, or understand the magnitude of each breath we are given.  It is quite the contrary, however.  Laughter reminds us that we are alive, we are breathing, and that there is joy that lives within each of us.

Every day my life is surrounded by treatments, a cocktail of pills, IV antibiotics, trips to the clinic, and the weight of the future.  My life is consumed by the rigid schedule I must dedicate myself to ever day: my soul becoming so exhausted by the realities that have become my life. My mind becomes heavy and serious, evicting lighthearted thoughts and smoldering the embers of joy that were born ignited by laughter.

The Best Medicine
While it may be the treatments, drug regimens, and my CF team that help keep me breathing, it's the joy and laughter in my life that makes me feel most alive. It is truly the best medicine. Whether it is just a small giggle, an uncontrollable smirk, or a laugh so intense that makes my lungs scream for air: they each fill and renew my soul with happiness. I also find no greater joy than making other people laugh or making them smile: it selfishly renews my soul.

There is a time for tears, a time to be stoic, and a time for taking life seriously. But there is also a time for joy, a time for carefree happiness, and a time for laughter.


Take a few moments today and just laugh: it's good for your soul. 

Stormy Skies

A crack of lightning streams across the sky while the strong roar of thunder reverberates through the earth like the deep bass of a pipe organ.   A chorus of voices sing out with each drop of rain that resounds against the window pane.  The sounds and sights of summer have returned.

Perfect Night

This past week has been filled with the most beautiful and gentle of rains.  It has also been filled with some harsh summer storms that seemed relentless and uncompromising, leaving a path of destruction behind.  What also filled this past week? Some of the most beautiful and still evenings I can remember.  The sun was beginning to set and everything seemed to glow of a beautiful pink and gold hue.  For a moment it seemed as if life was standing still, that I was holding it lightly in the palm of my hand.  I could almost hear the shifting of the sky as the stars began to replace the sun bathed sky.   For a moment, everything seemed absolutely right in the world.    

Afternoon Storm

The next morning I awoke to an intense rain only to be followed by beautiful beams of sunlight that poured out over everything.  How very quickly things changed.  One moment the trees were soaking in the warm rays of the sun, and the next, tornado sirens were proclaiming their heed of warning.  In a matter of what seemed like just moments the sky opened up and let out a great fanfare: hail, rain, thunder, lightning.  The chorus grew louder as the drops of rain and hail poured out from the sky with more power.  We watched helplessly from inside as mother nature seemed to quickly devastate the world outside the stucco walls of our home.  

Eventually the clouds lightened and began to break apart, the rain ceased, and the sound of thunder was only a subtle rumble in the distance.  Soon, the radiance of the sun painted everything it could reach.  The evening turned into another one of pure beauty and perfection. 

The Storm & CF

What does any of this have to do with CF?  The raging storms of CF have been quite merciless lately.  It seems the atmosphere is just right for the makings of harsh storm.  My PICC line is still adorning my arm and a new course of treatment is underway.  In just 3 weeks my lung function went from 5O% to 37%, all while on IV and oral antibiotic therapy.  We've changed courses and plans in hopes that something will alter the direction of this storm.  

Hail

Like the weather, the conditions of CF can change so quickly.  In just one day CF can turn the sun kissed skies into an unforgiving storm.  

Renewal

Life comes with many storms and days filled with rain, but each one of them is simply beautiful.  As the warm rains of summer pour out from the sky, the earth is renewed and replenished.  Without those storms, the sun filled days would seem less bright, and we wouldn't appreciate the true beauty in those still and beautiful nights.  We can never be sure when a storm may come, foresee how strong it will be, or how much rain will fall, but we can be certain that the sun will shine again. We can be certain there will be days of endless sunshine and beautiful still nights.  The more rain that falls just means bigger puddles to splash in, and if the stormy days seem to never end, we can always dance in the rain.  

Another Beautiful Evening

This CF storm in my life shall too pass.  The destruction caused by this storm may have lasting effects, but that doesn't mean I won't fight to rebuild what has been lost or destroyed.  There will be days with light rain, days of sunshine, and days with fierce storms, but for each day I am truly grateful.  The beauty of life is impossible without the renewing rains from a storm.  I leave you with these words from a dear friend: "Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain." Love to you all.  

What storm are you weathering?

Expectations

There's nothing more exciting than planning for the future, the anticipation of those plans, and them finally coming to fruition.  Whether it is planning a party, looking forward to a vacation, seeing friends and family, or beginning a new adventure, there is always a stirring excitement for what is yet to come.

The past 6O days have been building to this very day: the day when I not only look back at the past two months, but when I also prepare for tomorrow.  

This weekend and past two month will be a time in my life that will forever impact me.  Your kind words, your support, your love, your acceptance, your sharing, and your willingness to fight mean more than you will ever know.  I will forever carry each one of you in my heart.  

Prepare

This past Friday was spent preparing for a party at our house.  What a beautiful day. Without the help of some of our dearest friends, there is no way it would have been possible.  Again, the selflessness of people in my life so incredibly humbles me and makes me endlessly thankful for each of them: the backyard was ready for 5O+ guests, the food was prepped, and beverages were in the coolers. All we had to do was wait for Saturday night to come and the people to arrive.  We had prepared, now all we had to do was wait in excited anticipation.  

The day started out with the amazing and emotional Great Strides walk with over 7O walkers for Team Ashley.  That is just pure insanity to me.  My eyes still fill with tears thinking about yesterday morning. The afternoon was spent putting the finishing touches on things for the evening's festivities.  I wanted everything to be perfect for everyone: I wanted to celebrate each of them.  

Rain

About 4 p.m. it began to rain: a steady light rain that permeated everything in our backyard. My mind was riddled with questions:  What were we going to do?  Could the rain just hold off for a few hours? Why tonight of all nights?  The rain never stopped. 

New Plan

With the help of our dear friends and family we had to get creative.  Some friends had some tents we could put over tables, and we used painters plastic to put over the pergola.  It wasn't ideal, but it worked.  Was it what I envisioned? No, but sometimes things turn out better than you could have ever imagined.  Last night was more memorable because of the unforeseen and uncontrollable.  It didn't matter that there was rain, what really mattered is there were so many people there I loved.  Like the double rainbow that covered the sky, the day was filled with beauty. 

Looking back at the last 6O days, is it what I envisioned?  No.  I could never in a million years have anticipated the response to this blog: the love, the support, the words, the connections made, and the change in myself.  We can plan all we want, but our moments plans might not turn out exactly how we had imagined. We need to remember that they are all special moments, even if they aren't what we expected them to be. 

The last 6O days have been some of the hardest days, but yet they have been some of the most beautiful in my life.  The days ahead may not be how I have dreamed or envisioned them to be, but I do know they will each be lived breathing bravely.  All my love and gratitude to each of you.

How will you breathe bravely?

Many of you have asked when will I write again.  I am not positive, but I hope to write periodically: continuing to share the beauty that is my life, the fight for every breath, and my hope in the future.