There's a constant gripping burn within my lungs as
I steal a breath and for a moment hesitate to give it back. A reminder that
this life we are each given is only borrowed and filled with uncontrollable
uncertainty. As I climb into my snow kissed vehicle and hear the door latch,
I'm suddenly engulfed with the silence and weight of life. Uncontrollable tears
stream from my eyes as a well of emotion pouring out from the deepest parts of
my soul - a culmination of the incredible past month's events, the goodness
that surrounds me, and the uncontrollable reminders of a life with CF.
Winter
The words, "please no," dispel within
every tear that finds its way upon my cheek as I sit paralyzed in my vehicle awaiting to take on the day. I close my eyes and take a deep
breath – a silent prayer pleading for just one more. Each
frigid piercing breath I take drenched in an overwhelming mix of
grateful memories, present fears, and the reminder of an uncontrollable future.
The rawness of the morning's unexpected awakening still stinging every part of
my being. Awakened by coughing up excess amounts of blood set my
lungs and emotions aflame - a reminder of my life with CF and winter's arrival.
My mind instantly thinking of those I love and how CF is so unfair to each of
them.
Again, I take a deep breath and do my best to wipe
away any evidence of tears. I make a few phone calls to my CF team and a plan
is set in motion. I remind myself this is my beautiful life - the seasons will
change and winter will always come. All I can do is continue living and embrace
the uncontrollable realities of CF. All I can do is live honestly and boldly in
this life I love so very much.
I knew the days ahead would be tough both
physically, mentally, and most of all, emotionally. I knew how far I had come
since a year ago. How strong I was and how I didn't want anything to threaten
this beautiful life I was living. I knew it would be hard to keep my focus
without some reminder of CF and its realities invading my consciousness after
such an unsettling event. I knew the pain and exhaustion my body faced in the
days ahead as we dug out from winter's first spell. I knew the ruthless side
effects of potent drugs that awaited me. Most of all I feared people
would see and treat me as fragile. But I took a breath and reminded myself
that I was alive in that very moment. That winter holds its own unique and
renewing beauty. That I must merely put on my snow boots and boldly leave my
footprints in the newly fallen snow.
So I returned home, went straight to my studio and
sang. I sang to prove to myself I was still breathing. That I could sing the
same as I did the day before. I sang to feel every breath enliven my soul. I
sang to feel certainty in being alive. Woven within every note was a song of
gratitude coupled with a pleading prayer for not only one more breath but one
more song. A song that would reflect the beauty that lies in every breath that I'm
given. I cannot control the realities of CF, but I can choose to continue
living this incredible life boldly and without regret.
Embrace
Life is uncertain - for every single one of us. We
are all gifted with the same type of borrowed time, only different journeys.
It's how we choose to embrace our journey despite its uncontrollable
uncertainties that allows us to truly live. The most beautiful of snows envelops
my city this morning. The restlessness of my heart is quieted for a moment
and I breathe in the beauty of the season - embracing all its snow laden uncertainties while remaining rooted in gratitude for every beautiful breath I
am given, the meaningful relationships that fill my life, and a steadfast hope
in tomorrow. Love to you all.
How are you living boldly despite the snowy uncertainties
of life?
The past week has been most incredible and far beyond something I could have ever imagined possible. Breathe Bravely is a reflection of each of you and your voice in my life.
This newly founded nonprofit asks you to share your voice.
This #GivingTuesday please consider sharing your voice with the mission and vision of Breathe Bravely. To read more about us and donate visit: www.breathebravely.org/donate.
I love you truly.
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