Unspoken

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do.  So throw off the bowlines.  Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails.  Explore.  Dream.  Discover." - Mark Twain

When you look ahead 2O years what do you see?  What about 1O years from now? 5 years? What dreams live inside of you waiting to be unleashed?

To be completely honest, there's no question I dislike more than when someone asks me about the future and my dreams.  What do I say? If they only really knew the pain and fear the answer held.  If you know me, you know it's so important to me be accountable for what I say and aspire to do.   If I set my mind to it, I will accomplish it.  I do not give up.  

The Truth

Of course I have dreams, ambitions, and the hope of a life filled with no regrets, but CF often reminds me of a future of altered dreams.  A future whose seas are uncertain, riddled with looming storms, and tumultuous waters.  If you know me, you know I rarely take life seriously. I am always making a joke about the serious matters of life: humor coated in sarcasm is my specialty.  Underneath the cynicism?  Fear and uncertainty of the future.  Most recently people ask what I hope to do after I am done with my graduate degree. What dreams I have. What do I think silently to myself?  "I hope to still be breathing."  It seems any thought of the future and dreams begin with that simple thought. What if CF didn't hold me back?  It didn't infiltrate my mind with the worries and fear of the future?  What if when I thought about the future I didn't think about what will happen to the people I love and all the life I will miss? For the most part I can separate myself and hide the worry and fear and just focus on living for today.  I think back to the last year and wonder some days how the heck I survived it: physically, mentally, and emotionally.  Then I think ahead and know I don't have any other choice than to live each moment to its fullest: to set sail with no regrets.  What kind of life do I dream of living?  One that leaves a legacy of goodness, kindness, strength, passion, and love.

Growing Old
It's become hard for Mark and I to talk of the future.  By the future I mean 1O years from now, 5 years from now, even 1 year from now.  Very rarely do we talk about growing old together.  When we do, it's plagued by a deep unspoken pain within our hearts, for we both know the cold truth and reality that lies ahead of us.  You who are close to my life probably have heard me often joke about Mark's life after me.  Call it a coping method?  A way to ease the blow of the future?  I think about Mark's life without me, the future that could have been, the dreams that may never come to fruition.  I think about him waking up in the morning and me not being there, seeing traces of me everywhere he looks, seeing friends and family that won't know what to say.  I worry that he won't be ok.

 We must intentionally live day by day, being grateful for whatever we get, and making the most of each moment.  No one's future is set in stone, so make the most of each breath you are given. 

Regardless if the dreams that live within me need to be altered, or new dreams need to be created, I am grateful for each day, each opportunity, each relationship, and each breath.  Whether it's 2O, 1O, or 5 years, I will look back on my life and know I lived it with no regrets.  Love to you all. 

Don't let there be any regrets today.   Sail boldly out into the open sea.