For the
first time this season I’ve seen the colors of the Fall.
It wasn’t for lack of signs flourishing
around me, but for my own self induced blindness. For the past weeks there’s
been a growing sense of anxiety rising up within me. I’ve been hyper sensitive
to the changes happening around me for I am terrified that any acknowledgement
will make them real. That by acknowledging any changes I acknowledge the
passing of time, something in which I have no control. So, I’ve done my best to silence the crunching of leaves
beneath my feet. I’ve firmly kept my eyes fixed upon the lifeless unchanging gray pavement. I’ve placed my gaze on what’s narrowly in needed sight, desperately
clinging to the thoughts of the lusciously vibrant green life filled trees of
the Summer.
Holding Time
Yes, I know
the Fall is beautiful, and I remember being so deeply awestruck by the
magnificence of seasons past. But, this Fall is different. The slightest
detection of Fall to my senses makes the very breath that fills my lungs freeze
in familiar trepidation. Tears unwillingly fill my eyes at moments and I hold
my breath in hopes to keep the outpouring of deep-rooted fear and humbled
gratitude from overcoming me in an uncontrollable war of emotion. I hold my breath in
hopes I can hold onto it just for a moment longer, not willingly wanting it to
escape my lips.
I press on
hoping that tomorrow these relentless stirrings of emotion subside. But, they
do not. They’ve only grown these past few weeks, manifesting themselves in
every venture of my life. With every glimpse of Fall color amongst the trees
and every breath of crisp autumn air that touches my lungs, I’ve further tried
to bury my fears, desperation to truly live, and the ever-questioning doubts
that threaten to consume me. I grow restless and uneasy as I fiercely try to
hold life and time within my grip.
A Reflecting Change
I wondered how long I could go on like this? How long could I deny the
beauty of the world around me? Even though I knew what beauty I was missing, I
still forbid to stop and look around. I forbid to open my eyes and ears,
reassuring myself that it was better if I just ignored it. That somehow if I
pretended it wasn’t happening, it wouldn’t and there would be no “Fall” and
therefore “Winter.” But, I saw and felt something this weekend that will live
with me forever. I stood in front of a sea of people, both stranger, dear
friend, and family. In them I saw not only my own pains reflected in their
faces and tears, but also the beauty in which my life is built upon. For a few
seconds it was as if the world stopped and in their eyes I could see all the
trials, pains, and beauty that lived within each of their own lives. I saw that
no matter the heartache, the difficulties, the fears, and the uncertainties of
life we all are connected and bound together by a connection that transcends
words. We are bound together by a relentless hope. I was reminded that none
of us are alone in any venture of life: the good, the difficult, or the
in-between. Seeing my own reflection in their tear filled eyes, I was
forced to see my own pain and fear. Most of all, however, I was forced to see
every beautiful breath that makes my life what it is.
Yes, CF
made last year’s Fall a difficult one and the Winter was something I don’t want to begin
to imagine again, but by trying to protect myself from those pains and
memories I gain nothing. I only lose sight and feeling of the beauty that fills
my life. It shuts out all the possibility of greatness that tomorrow holds. By intently
staring at the pavement and avoiding the beauty of this very moment and season, I am doing that in which I fear most: missing out on life and not truly living.
Change
Sometimes
we are forced to open our eyes and realize the beauty that surrounds us no
matter the season. The seasons are changing. I can’t stop that. I can, however,
embrace the unique goodness this very season offers. After all, this moment is all
any of us are guaranteed. What’s the use in ignoring its unique, unbridled, and
nondiscriminatory beauty?
That next morning when I awoke after staring life's pains and hurts squarely in the face, I looked up at the
changing trees and did not shudder when the crisp autumn air kissed my cheeks.
Instead, I took a deep breath, opened my eyes, and was engulfed by such breath-giving beauty. Love to you all.
Thank you to everyone who helped make the 14th
Annual Cystic Fibrosis Walleye Classic an incredible success. It
could not have been possible without each and every one of you. After all
is figured, it looks like around $17,000 will be donated to the Cystic Fibrosis
Foundation. Head on over to Breathe Bravely's Facebook page to take a look at
the weekend's pictures and stay up to date with what's happening!
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