[Part II of "The Artistry of Being Honest"]
Beauty is not defined by the perception of others but is defined by what we see in ourselves. But often, it is we, ourselves, who are most critical and most blind to our own unique beauty. We fall short of our own expectation of such things– seeing only what makes us different as ghastly markings of our insignificance and unchangeable and uncontrollable imperfections.
Beauty is not defined by the perception of others but is defined by what we see in ourselves. But often, it is we, ourselves, who are most critical and most blind to our own unique beauty. We fall short of our own expectation of such things– seeing only what makes us different as ghastly markings of our insignificance and unchangeable and uncontrollable imperfections.
For as long as I can remember I’ve been perceptive
to the definition of beauty and how I have failed to meet my perceived
self-standard. My earliest memories are filled with an innate awareness of how I
was different than those around me. My childhood memories are woven within the
reflection I saw of myself in my brother and the devastating disease of CF.
Outwardly, I noticed how my brother’s hands and fingers were different than our
family’s. I saw how his chest was broad and barreled - his ribcage seemingly
too large for his tiny frame. I noticed that his cough set everyone on edge. I
noticed how it tore through the world’s natural chaos like a knife tearing
through paper.
I began to notice with every passing year that too,
my own hands looked more and more different. That too, my ribcage seemed too
large for the frame of my body. That too, my legs and arms seemed so bony and
thin. I noticed how my own cough would bring upon unwanted attention and alarm,
highlighting the very part of myself I was trying to conceal. With every
passing moment I noticed these uncontrollable changes becoming more glaringly
distinct - each a hideous reminder of what made me different.
Imperfections
I recall moments I’d look at my reflection as a child
and wish nothing more than to look and be like everyone else - moments in which
I felt truly alone and different. I wish I could say as the years passed those
feelings diminished but they only grew, consuming me from within. I fiercely
tried to cling to what I could control as the ugly truth of CF became more and
more visible. I’d wear clothes to hide the shape of my body. I’d hold my breath
and inwardly fight the relentless scratch in the back of my throat and rumble
within my lungs that wanted to unleash a fit of coughing. Yet, the more I tried
to conceal and control of CF, the more I saw its imperfections staring back at
me. Those uncontrollable realities of CF imprinted into my being and mocking me
through my own eyes, constantly reminding me of how I was different - making me
see myself as anything but beautiful. Those unyielding reminders still plague
me and forever will.
The precious time I spend giving thought to the
size of my ribcage, my gecko fingers, my puffy steroid cheeks, and piercing cough,
strips me of the freedom to immerse myself into every beautiful breath that
comes from within. It steals a moment of my life that instead could reflect the
true meaning of beauty and replaces it with destructive and depleting
anxieties. Some days do those surmounting anxieties and realities seem
unbearable? Yes. But I then force myself to breathe, clinging to the beauty
that lies within every breath I take. I remember the simplistic unique beauty
of life itself. I force myself to smile. And you know what? The world always
smiles back, melting away my restless insecurities of despair. Those genuine smiles
reassure me, reminding me that I am not alone. Also, about a year ago a Canadian
photographer did a photo book project called Salty Girls: the Women of Cystic Fibrosis
and before that did a project called Just Breathe: Adults with Cystic Fibrosis.
Both books and projects depicting the honest beauty and raw stories of adults
with CF. For the first time in my life, there before my eyes spread across
countless pages, I saw myself and my unique differences reflected in those
beautiful people. Some of the sweetest friendships I share today have come
from fellow people with CF. They are truly beautiful in every sense
of the word, reminding me that I am not alone or painfully different, but beautiful.
Unique Beauty
We each see our uniqueness as glaring reminders of
what makes us different and at times an outcast. It’s easy to tear ourselves
down, pick apart our bodies, lives, actions, or situations. We inwardly focus
only on our imperfections and how we fall miserably short of our own
expectations of perfected beauty. We think our differences are what define us,
and that they are the only things others can see. But they are not. We just
have to allow ourselves to believe such truth. What if when we each looked in
the mirror, we decided to see those differences as what makes us truly
beautiful instead of only seeing them as ghastly imperfections? We’d finally
free ourselves from our own suffocating expectations and lies of self-determined
beauty. We’d be able to freely allow our differences and imperfections to be
the very things that connect us to one another, not separate us.
I know it’s not that simple and I know it’s
something in which I am always going struggle. But I force myself to smile and
remind myself, “this is my life and this is my truth.” We are each
stitched together by a stunningly unique beauty, both externally and inwardly.
That unique beauty is what makes each of us wonderfully different and truly who
we are. Love to you all.
You are beautifully different. This is your life
and this is your truth.
Check out
Ian Pettigrew’s latest photo project, “Salty Girls – the Women of Cystic Fibrosis”
here.
Interesting you should talk about "beauty". The day after you were born, I brought Aunt Violet to the Rock Rapids hospital for us to meet you. As your dear mom held you so lovingly in her arms, I remember thinking, "what a beautiful baby - and those eyes". You are a remarkable young women and your beauty lies in your eyes. The beauty I see through your eyes is a blessing with every post you share. You are amazing Ashley - thank you for sharing life through your eyes!
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