A few weeks ago, an evening that will forever live in my memory and heart came to life. A night dedicated to making unforgettable music, sharing inspiring stories that were rooted in the beauty and power of singing, and celebrating the incredible people that have breathed life into a vision called sINgSPIRE. As I stood next to my fellow singers and dear friends, embraced in overwhelming emotion and washed with the reverberating echoes of life-giving music, I felt my past clearly meet my present while breathing a life-giving perseverance into my future. It was as if the entirety of my life’s journey was reflected in the eyes and hearts of those surrounding me. Each unknowingly reassuring me that I was and am where life has always meant for me to be - sharing this life-giving song.
If you would have asked me twenty five years ago what I wanted to be when I grow up, I like many five year olds would have told you I wanted to be a singer (or a professional dog handler that shows dogs. To many who know me this is not surprising and I may or may not have in recent years run our two dogs around the back yard in a circle holding treats). As the years passed and I made my way through life as a teenager, I never was able to rid my mind of singing. Most of all, I was never able to rid my heart of the deep unspoken connection I felt when music passed from my lips and set sail on a breath born from these unforgiving lungs. A connection I now realize was something that was and would continue to be truly life-giving.
I vividly remember my senior year of high school and my first years of college and the incredible weight of discernment upon which I felt my future rested. I’d wrestle with a consuming self-doubt as I felt inadequate to study such a specialized craft in which I thought was only reserved for the best. And, in humbled honesty, I was not the best. I remember staring at my reflection as tears uncontrollably streamed down my cheeks - my eyes silently challenging my reflection with the resounding question, “what are you doing with your life, Ashley?” I knew pursuing a life of singing wasn’t logical. I knew it wasn’t practical. I remember knowing I wasn’t a natural musician, nor was I the most talented. But, somehow I knew even then that my life merely depended on the art of singing. I didn’t have all the answers to the deafening uncertainties that plagued me, nor did I have any idea of how it would all work out. But, there was something unmistakable that burned deep within me, a flame of courage that would continue to give me the strength to keep singing even when I wanted nothing more than to give it all up.
Reflecting back on those moments I realize those were some of the best, yet most difficult years. There seemed to be an abundance of tears as I struggled to find my voice. Or, to be honest, as I struggled to conceal my true voice and run from the life I was given. My true voice being that in which was rooted in a reality I did my best to hide from everyone and myself - a voice rooted in a reality called cystic fibrosis. A reality I desperately tried to continue to hide even through graduate school. That is, until my reality became impossible to run from or excuse away. I had no choice but to be honest with myself and everyone around me. I remember sitting in my car during graduate school just after a terrible episode of hemoptysis and pleading with my lungs to just let me sing one more song - believing my life as a singer and CF could never harmoniously exist. So, I’d continue to plead for one more song knowing deep within myself “one more song” would never be enough.
But, it was in that very moment when I was forced to embrace all I was, that I could find my true voice and the inspiration that filled it with life. It’s in that moment I saw my past, my present, and my future reflected in an untamable love and need for singing. It wasn’t about being the best, about glowing accolades, or about having your name surrounded by lights on a fancy marquee. It was then that I realized singing is about the life it gives and the unparalleled happiness and beauty it can cultivate. It’s about finding your voice and letting the song that forbids to be silenced soar upon the breath it has been gifted. It is about living a life that is giving you life - even if it is against all odds or practicality.
Who I Am
There’s a catch in my breath as memories from sINgSPIRE's recent musical evening continue to reverberate through every fiber my being- overwhelming me with the weight of all its deep meaning. I reflect on this beautiful and abundant life and am left humbly speechless at the goodness that surrounds me. Tears uncontrollably well within my eyes and a familiar knot forms in my throat. I cannot help but get caught up in a moment of reflective gratitude - mentally and emotionally pouring over my past steps, the incredible people that have helped shape me into who I am at this present moment, and the undeniable beauty that lies in the honesty of my future. It’s in the beauty of that very moment I realize not only am I singer, but I am a singer with cystic fibrosis. Without either of them I wouldn’t be the person I am today and I wouldn’t know the beauty of such deep, life-impacting relationships. But most of all, I wouldn’t wake every day knowing this life I get to live is truly life-giving. And for all of that, I wouldn’t trade a single moment or note of this beautiful life. Love to you all.
Are you living a life that is giving you life?
This is so beautiful! I told you my daughter sings and she asked herself the same questions today and was filled with self doubt (minus the CF - that's my bag!). I can't wait to show her this post.
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