Surviving to Live

In each of our lives, difficulty finds its unique way to make itself known. It comes in many different forms and knows no discrimination. It thrives on the seen and unseen moments of our lives and challenges the unrelenting spirit that dwells within us. It makes us question our resiliency and whether the strength in which we believe holds us together can actually endure the obstacles that reside within the past, present and unknown challenges of the future.

November 2014

But it’s in that difficulty we learn to adapt - to survive. It is in how we survive we find meaning and purpose. We learn to either protect ourselves from that place in which we feel most vulnerable - choosing to exist in a place of false assurances where we exist holding our breath, clenching our eyes tightly shut, and bracing for the fall we inevitably fear. We do whatever we can to avoid that place of emotional vulnerability within ourselves. That place where fierce honesty and boastful raw uncontrolled emotions collide. But, no matter how tightly we hold onto each breath or blind our senses to the passing moments, an untrusting apprehension is always present within every step we take and every breath that gives us life.

Or, we learn to breathe bravely in the moments we are given - realizing that it is in the fear and the fall itself that we in fact learn just how much we are able to endure. It inspires us to either hide away from ourselves and the world, or clutch onto the life we are given - embracing the beauty that makes it our very own. It’s in that very place we learn not only to survive, but what it exactly means to live.

Defining Novembers

November 2015

With every November and December I apprehensively step into a set of months that have shown little mercy in past years. As the calendar turns, I find myself holding my breath as I become acutely aware of each fleeting moment that is woven within each breath I am given. My body tensed and ready to respond. My body seemingly always on guard to what the unforgiving days of a life with cystic fibrosis may bring as I desperately distract myself with the chaos of life. Emotions wrought with uncertainty while grounded in the vulnerable truth of knowing too well CF’s betrayal.

December 2016

Through it all I’ve learned to adapt. Or, most of all, I’ve learned to survive the best I can as this life that has been gifted to me. Months that have been known to hold so much devastation, however, have also held some of the most life-defining beautiful moments of my life. Moments that have been overwhelmed with goodness and have undoubtedly shaped me into the person I am today. Moments that have helped create the foundation for some of the most meaningful relationships in my life. Moments that would enlighten my future with a purpose I never dreamed possible.

To Live

So on the fresh breaths of this December where do I find myself? Reflecting on the kindness of this past November. And, in its unique stillness, I fervently feel how every beautiful breath was equally born of its own quieted bravery. I see too, how it was a gift of survival. A gift that I will use for future days that may be just as peaceful or may just hold their own unique difficulties. Whatever those days, months, and beautiful moments may bring to my life, I know I will not just survive -I will live.

November 2017

Regardless of the moments that define our lives, we will find moments of difficulty, heartache but also moments of unparalleled beauty. It’s not about comparing journeys or focusing on the difficulties or obstacles that we’ve each uniquely endured, but is is about what we do with those diverse moments we have been gifted. It is about how we learn to breathe bravely amidst that untrusting apprehension and allow it to inspire us to not only survive but to truly live. The greatest of love to you all.  - Ashley Don't just survive, live.