A Living Wish

They lay silent within our lips while enveloping our heart and mind in a deafening current of wonder. They give life to every breath and breath to every moment of our life. They fill our souls with a hopeful hunger and give inspiration to our life’s journey. They’re the wishes we silently set our future upon.

 

As a child we’d stare excitedly into the flames flickering atop the cake in front of us, and wait in anticipation to free the wishful echoes of our heart - setting them courageously upon our breath to extinguish the celebratory blaze. We send each hope-filled wish silently into the world hoping that one day it may reverberate back to our being in the form of a truth. Whether we are five or one-hundred and five, it still is the same. Little do we realize that every day we wake, that wish along with so many others, set themselves upon the curious wonder that makes up our lives and inspires our journey. The most beautiful thing in life is when that very wish lives upon our heart, and we see it reflected not in the material world around us but within the depth of love and gratitude that lives within who we are. It is a living wish within ourselves that has the power to shape how we choose to live and see our own lives.

A Birthday Wish

It seems to happen without fail with each passing year. I awake on my birthday to find my heart a bit heavier than when I slipped into sleep the night before. Each breath weighted with the significant realities of what another birthday truly means. I lie there a bit longer than usual - feeling the magnificence of the simplest thing and how it influences my life. I can feel the heaviness on my heart grow. Not from sadness but from an unparalleled humbled gratitude for being given another birthday. A birthday that thirty-one years ago would have been believed to be impossible. A birthday I know for which so many have wished. A birthday for which I have wished. As I lie awake greeting this new morning, feeling each breath enliven my body, I see last year’s wish not only before me, but feel it alive within me. Another beautiful year that was never guaranteed. Another year that was only possible because of the love, dedication, and tenacity of so many people - to them, I and so many owe every breath. With every year I’m given to look back upon, I realize even more just how priceless this beautiful life truly is and the people and memories that make up every moment.

One More

Just by happenstance, my regularly scheduled appointment with my CF care team happened to be on my birthday this week. Strangely, it seemed only fitting that I spend my thirty-first birthday with them - a day in which years ago seemed unreachable. A day in which when I was born was merely a distant and seemingly impossible wish like so many others born with cystic fibrosis. But, that’s the beauty of wishes. It’s because of the power that lies within a single wish we can celebrate another birthday. A day we’d celebrate not just as my birthday but our birthday. We are living proof that a simple wish can be born of impossible circumstance and their truth can flourish within the perseverance, passion, and heart of those who share the very same wish.

As I sat there in the familiar exam room, I couldn’t help but be humbled by the significance of where I was and the people that surrounded me. For I knew every breath I took was because of each of them and these thirty-one years they’ve fought to make that single wish a reality. A wish for just one more.

One more birthday.

One more meaningful memory.

One more beautiful breath.

I am more grateful than I will ever find the words to express for each of you and to celebrate this beautiful birthday. What did I wish for this year on my birthday? The single thing I always wish for - just one more. Love to you all.

Don’t just make a wish. Live your wish.

Surviving to Live

In each of our lives, difficulty finds its unique way to make itself known. It comes in many different forms and knows no discrimination. It thrives on the seen and unseen moments of our lives and challenges the unrelenting spirit that dwells within us. It makes us question our resiliency and whether the strength in which we believe holds us together can actually endure the obstacles that reside within the past, present and unknown challenges of the future.

November 2014

But it’s in that difficulty we learn to adapt - to survive. It is in how we survive we find meaning and purpose. We learn to either protect ourselves from that place in which we feel most vulnerable - choosing to exist in a place of false assurances where we exist holding our breath, clenching our eyes tightly shut, and bracing for the fall we inevitably fear. We do whatever we can to avoid that place of emotional vulnerability within ourselves. That place where fierce honesty and boastful raw uncontrolled emotions collide. But, no matter how tightly we hold onto each breath or blind our senses to the passing moments, an untrusting apprehension is always present within every step we take and every breath that gives us life.

Or, we learn to breathe bravely in the moments we are given - realizing that it is in the fear and the fall itself that we in fact learn just how much we are able to endure. It inspires us to either hide away from ourselves and the world, or clutch onto the life we are given - embracing the beauty that makes it our very own. It’s in that very place we learn not only to survive, but what it exactly means to live.

Defining Novembers

November 2015

With every November and December I apprehensively step into a set of months that have shown little mercy in past years. As the calendar turns, I find myself holding my breath as I become acutely aware of each fleeting moment that is woven within each breath I am given. My body tensed and ready to respond. My body seemingly always on guard to what the unforgiving days of a life with cystic fibrosis may bring as I desperately distract myself with the chaos of life. Emotions wrought with uncertainty while grounded in the vulnerable truth of knowing too well CF’s betrayal.

December 2016

Through it all I’ve learned to adapt. Or, most of all, I’ve learned to survive the best I can as this life that has been gifted to me. Months that have been known to hold so much devastation, however, have also held some of the most life-defining beautiful moments of my life. Moments that have been overwhelmed with goodness and have undoubtedly shaped me into the person I am today. Moments that have helped create the foundation for some of the most meaningful relationships in my life. Moments that would enlighten my future with a purpose I never dreamed possible.

To Live

So on the fresh breaths of this December where do I find myself? Reflecting on the kindness of this past November. And, in its unique stillness, I fervently feel how every beautiful breath was equally born of its own quieted bravery. I see too, how it was a gift of survival. A gift that I will use for future days that may be just as peaceful or may just hold their own unique difficulties. Whatever those days, months, and beautiful moments may bring to my life, I know I will not just survive -I will live.

November 2017

Regardless of the moments that define our lives, we will find moments of difficulty, heartache but also moments of unparalleled beauty. It’s not about comparing journeys or focusing on the difficulties or obstacles that we’ve each uniquely endured, but is is about what we do with those diverse moments we have been gifted. It is about how we learn to breathe bravely amidst that untrusting apprehension and allow it to inspire us to not only survive but to truly live. The greatest of love to you all.  - Ashley Don't just survive, live.