|The boys came to visit.|
I get back to my room, send Mark home to the boys, and find myself staring out the window again thinking about life. I think about how the world continues on no matter how long I am stuck behind these glass windows and walls: life continues to move on. It's mentally difficult for me to be behind these walls. I feel I am suffocating, I am constantly wondering what I am missing out on in the world, if I am being forgotten, if I am making any difference, or just adding to the worry of the people I love. I wonder what I am doing to Mark's life, how I am stealing it from him. What a different life we are living than we had originally dreamed of. How unfair it is to make him see me this way: hospitals, appointments, PICC lines, countless rounds of antibiotics, PFT's, cocktails of pills, side effects, exhaustion. I think it's harder for me to watch him, watch me go through it all. He tries to be strong, but I see how much it all hurts him, and how scared he really is. As we walk together through the empty halls of the hospital, I am thankful for the mask that hides my heartbreak.