Fragile

Perfectly spun, a delicate crystalized beauty in an abundance of colors, and a unique simplicity that is born from the same air we breathe.  But held too tightly or for too long between your fingers and it withers to nothing: leaving only a hint of its existence on your fingertips.

Our lives are spun together like that of cotton candy.  Our existence dances upon the air that spins beneath each breath we take, inspiring and shaping every moment we live into a beautiful web of beauty, and giving color to our unique journey.  Its simple beauty is unmistakable. Yet, it is as fragile as spun sugar bound together by air.  When we are amid the throes of life we do not fully realize or understand its complete beauty, nor do we see its fragility.

Invincible
Seldom do we realize life's extensive magnificence until we are forced to face its fragility.   I, like most people, thought myself to be invincible to life's adversities, and to some extent, still do.  Call it optimism? Denial? The endless war of my will?  However, I've tasted its fragility and I've felt the vibrancy of life seem to wither between my fingers.  CF has shown me just how delicate this life is.  It has shown me how it can affect everything in my life I love so dearly: relationships, singing, teaching, vacations, outings with friends, and making plans for the future.  CF has shown me that this beautiful life I've spent so tirelessly working towards can change in the course of mere moments.  The life I've so passionately molded is no longer recognizable; the delicate spun threads that bind my future are left uncertain.  I had always immersed myself in the complexity of life: invigorated by its chaos.  I never stopped to even entertain the thought that I would watch it all whither before my very eyes in the course of months, and be forced to evaluate my dreams, aspirations, and purpose.  I am not invincible, but I'd like to think I am. I am willing to take whatever this life has to give me: from the most chaotic of moments to the most fragile.

Fragile Beauty
As I continue to navigate this new phase of my journey, each morning I still awake with hope and the belief that it's a new day filled with great possibility.  I am learning to embrace the simplicity that life is built upon while never forgetting how truly fragile it all is.  I will always remain steadfastly grateful for all its unique and delicate beauty.   Love to you all.

How delicate and beautiful is the cotton candy of your life? 

By the way, blue cotton candy is totally my favorite. What's your color?

Living Purpose

The question of whether or not our life has meaning or purpose is something that has stirred among each of us at some point in time and echoes continuously in the dialogue of our lives.

Is a life filled with purpose something we choose, or is it something that chooses us?  Is it something that dwells deep within, or is purpose something that uniquely seeks to find each of us? 

Finding Purpose
I've always passionately felt that the purpose and meaning in my life have come from striving to be a force of good, show love, and reflect the beauty of life.  Purpose and meaning live within every breath, every moment, and every relationship: we merely have to choose to see its presence.  Purpose and meaning are living and breathing within each of us.

Has purpose sought me, or have I been determined to find it?  With this new season of life set before me and the impact CF has so recently made, the weight of life's purpose greatly weighs on my consciousness.  I can't help but question my own understanding of what my purpose is and if I am truly fulfilling what I believe to be the meaning of life.  Have I shared goodness?  Love?  Reflected the beauty that is present within my life?  Have I made any difference? How can I give more, be a part of a greater good?  I feel these days that I've been shown much more good than I've been able to share, and that I've taken much more than I've been able to give.  I am overwhelmed by the goodness and love I have been so generously shown.

Meaning Amidst the Battle
I knew this current battle and road to healing was going to be a long and demanding journey, but I honestly didn't really believe it.  After all, I am the master of mind over matter.  There's simply no way CF would be able to keep up with me and my shear will and drive for life.  Right?  Honestly, I was wrong: my body has betrayed me.  I am at a loss for words at the ruthless power of CF and its ability to cause such devastation: violently stripping me of my strength, vibrancy, and resilience. After 16 continuous weeks of trying different cocktails of IV antibiotics and approaches,  my team and I are still doing our very best to fight CF and combat its current merciless attack.  I cannot begin to adequately express my gratitude to my team for their tireless dedication, time, genuine care, and commitment to not giving up on me. They've each gifted my life with so much meaning and beauty.  CF may be strong, but we will always be stronger.   My life has great purpose and meaning, and I will reflect the beauty of life no matter the battle I face.

CF may have drastically changed my life, but I will not let it change the purpose that I have found or the meaning that has found me. There is always purpose.  There is always meaning.  They are resonating within the dialogue of each our lives.  Regardless of what is happening in our lives, the battles we are facing, purpose and meaning are present in every moment, experience, and relationship great and small.  They are alive in every breath we take. 

Whether it is something I've chosen or it has chosen me, my life is filled with great purpose and meaning.  With every breath I am given, I will always seek to share good, show love, and reflect the beauty that is life.  Love to you all.

Open your eyes. Purpose and meaning are living within you and are present all around you.

Time to Fly

Our lives are filled with monumental precipices that impact the course of our journey.  As we look out towards the horizon, we can see the moments, experiences, and choices that have all led us to this very moment in our lives.

I find myself at the edge of a new precipice.  For the last month I have been standing at the edge, terrified and resistant to take the next leap.  I've been merely free falling: desperate to cling to the life I've had, the body I could trust, and resistant to face the realities of the future.  Decisions and choices consume me that will impact every part of my life.  I would be foolish to say that CF has not impacted the way in which I've made decisions in my life, and my hunger for it all.  Despite CF and its relentless attempts to undermine the course of my journey, I've lived passionately with intent.  I have faced each precipice life has brought me to without regret.  

Passion, Intent, Hunger

I used to be a master at concealing CF, but for the past couple of years it has been making its presence more and more known in my life: making it impossible to hide.  As it progressed, I simply would throw myself into life more passionately, shutting out the truth of what was really happening, desperate to silence the deafening realities of CF ringing through my body.  But through it all, there's always been this small, stirring presence, that has lived deep within me: the voice of CF that would quietly stir and resound within.  Every time I'd hear it stirring, I'd simply push harder.  I'd fill my life with more, just to prove to myself I could do it all: graduate school, teaching, singing, road trips, a marathon of rendezvous with friends, and other spontaneous excursions just to show myself I could do it all, no matter what it was really costing.  That hunger, drive, and passion still burn passionately within, but the voice of CF within is resounding loud and clear.  As I stand on the edge of this new precipice, I can no longer run from that thunderous voice.  I must take the next leap embracing every part of who I am, fearing not the fall, but trusting that I will spread my wings and fly.

The last month has left my body vehemently fighting rampant bacteria in my lungs, Influenza A, and extreme exhaustion. The more I merely try to "push through" the more my body fights back.  My days of hitting the ground running from 7 a.m. to 1 a.m. have come drastically to a halt and are physically impossible.  Life has become an art of balancing, conserving, and expounding energy.   The last month has sparked some serious discussions about my lifestyle, my future, and the reality of the cost of what I've been putting my body through.   Simply put, I was given two choices.  Either continue doing what I've been doing and know that it could ultimately be killing me, or make some drastic lifestyle changes and learn to respect my body and get as many beautiful days as I can.  

Learning to Fly

So, here I stand at the edge of my precipice, looking out over the incredible moments, relationships, and events that have made up my beautiful life thus far.  It's time for me to take that leap, to make some changes to my life, to step off from the edge.  What is most incredible is the beautiful opportunities that lie ahead amidst the heartache of these life changes.  Through the tears I shed for the amazing life I've been able to live, I am happily grateful for all the beauty each new tomorrow holds.  I am ready to step off of this precipice, spread my wings, and fly.  Love to you all. 

We all stand at the edge, hesitant to take that leap, clinging to the ground we know.  

Take a deep breath, leap, and feel yourself fly.  It's going to be a beautiful new part of your journey.