Fireflies & Cancer Scans

 As the sun set and dusk descended upon the longest day of the year, I swear I saw a tiny flicker of light from the back of our yard. It was brief and unsteady and before I could blink it disappeared. 

But did I see it? I stared longingly at the backyard hoping another soft glow of light would reassure my mind. My heart beating a bit faster with excitement and a soft smile spread across my lips. I held my eyes open hoping I wouldn’t miss it if it were true. Could it be possible? Were the lightning bugs once again here? 

But, maybe I imagined it. Maybe it was a fluke. Maybe it was just my eyes playing tricks on me. Maybe it was our neighbor’s lights through the fence moving in the breeze. Maybe I just so desperately wanted to see my favorite sign of summer that my imagination merely created it. 

As the night sky settled in around me I sat in hope-filled anticipation scanning the world around me. There it was again from the back corner of our yard - a quick yet faint soft glow. But wait, did I really see it? It was such a faint glow set against the landscape of midsummer that I could have merely dreamed up in my mind. I walked into the backyard hoping to stir up any signs of a firefly but nothing. Just darkness. I walked back to our patio and sat in peace-filled silence gazing out into the darkness. 

But then two feet in front of me on the ground I saw a glimmer. My hope. My assurance that it was indeed a firefly. Even so, my heart still hesitated to believe it was true. Until I could hold it between my hands I couldn’t be sure. I wasn’t sure I could trust these eyes. So, I walked a few steps into our yard and where I saw a flash of quick light I blindly cupped my hands together against the ground. I had already tempered my heart and mind that my hands would be empty. After all, the darkness of night had left my senses inhibited.

But what was resting between my two palms? The smallest and most gentle firefly. I didn’t dare believe it until I held it between my hands. I ran into the house to tell Mark what I’d caught. To tell him they really had arrived. To share this glimmer of goodness set against the midsummer sky. The beauty and peace of summer had arrived. Now if I could merely hold onto it forever. 

This past week I had my three month oncology scan looking for any signs of metastatic/ recurrence of disease. To say that the weeks leading up to my appointment weren’t filled with anxiety would be a lie. When I’d lay down at night I could feel my racing heartbeat in my eardrums. The “what ifs” lay heavy on my mind and heart -  leaving my stomach in knots and my nails bitten down to nothing. 

The day came and went just like all the others that I’ve gratefully been given. The CT scan results showed no signs of metastatic disease at this time. 

This is good news. It’s a glimmer. But, even amidst such a glimmer I find it hard to let myself fully believe. To let my guard down. To exhale. Maybe it’s because I’ve never much been given a reason to trust this body. If I have learned anything throughout this life is that nothing is guaranteed, especially when it comes to health. All we can do despite it all is merely live and look for the glimmers along the way - maybe even strive to be a glimmer. 

As for my lungs they continue to be stubborn. I’m going on week four of IV antibiotics with at least another week ahead of me. A long course of IVs in the summer is something I absolutely despise when all I want to do is enjoy my favorite season without being tethered to my CAD pump for over ten hours a day. After this last year I crave nothing more than sweet freedom. But even amidst IVs and stubborn lungs there are glimmers - I just have to believe in them even if I can’t always see them glowing in front of me or hold them between my hands.

I uncup my hands and lift them to the sky. The firefly lingers on my hand for what seems like a lifetime. It doesn’t hurriedly fly away but seemingly exhales before flying off into the limitless night sky -  as if its presence is a reassuring glimmer meant to console my heart and mind. I will choose to believe in the glimmers that are beautifully alive not only around me but within me. For it’s in those glimmers that all possibility is born. It’s within those glimmers we find sweet freedom.  Love to you all.