So much of life and beautiful time we waste by being distracted by the notion of waiting. We fail to realize that living and waiting are always present within each other. That waiting is not a suspension of time, but a fueling of hope. It’s often within the season of waiting we find the truest meaning of living. It’s within the waiting we find an unmatchable peace that can enliven our senses and inspire our spirit. It’s in the waiting that we have the opportunity to make every beautiful breath extraordinary. And if we are brave enough to look, it’s within that quieted season of waiting we find ourselves.
Thirty-Four
I realize that I’ve spent a great number of breaths over the last thirty-four years gripped in a perpetual season of waiting. Holding my breath and silently pleading with a life in which I was waiting to begin. Hoping that the circumstances of my truth would free me to not only live by hope but live within its realization. Waiting for answers to which I didn’t even know the questions, only a discontented restlessness within myself. For a long time, a restlessness that I thought could be drowned out by the chaos of the world around me as I felt time slipping through my fingers - desperate for hope to rescue me. I used the world’s chaos to distract me from living within the difficulty and unknowns of the present - projecting a contentment into an unguaranteed future. But as I look back upon the last thirty-four years of this gifted life, it’s in those lost moments of waiting that I can clearly see I found not only what it meant to truly live, but in fact, found myself.
This birthday casts itself as a beacon of hope amidst such a seemingly shadowed season of waiting. For as long as I can remember I’d wish for more. More beautiful breaths, more years with those I love, and simply more time. While that wish will always be on my heart, it’s during this season of waiting that such a wish is overshadowed by a weight of gratitude. A gratitude born out of this quieted season of isolation. Have tears frequently stained my face over the last ten months? Does my heart deeply ache from missing my people? Yes, but this gratitude that consumes my heart today is born out of a stillness that can only be found from being alone amidst a season of waiting. It is a gratitude that silences the chaos and unearths what matters most - allowing that which truly fills me with life and gives meaning to every breath to illuminate a hope that perpetually fuels my life. A hope that frees me to live and love more deeply no matter the circumstance.
Living within Hope
This season of waiting you feel you’re in right now? The one that you can’t wait to get out of? Put your hand on your chest. Close your eyes. Take a breath. You are filled with beautiful life. You're not being held back from living the life you want, but instead you're being encouraged to open your eyes to your life that is filled with authentic meaning no matter the circumstance. This season can be a gift in which you learn to live within the wait. Out of such a season we can learn that every breath not only can be but is extraordinary in its own way - a way in which challenges us to be truly present. Lastly, that restlessness you feel? It’s the hope that fuels your life and gives gratitude to every breath you’re given.
It is my greatest hope that when I take my last breath that I will be able to look back on the entirety of my life and know that I was never lost within waiting. That instead my life was found lived within a hope veiled in an entire season of waiting which gave me the strength to dare to dream, to love, and embrace this life one beautifully gifted breath at a time. Love to you all.
