Hope's First Snow

There’s an extra sharpness to today’s November air. I can feel it pierce my heavy lungs as I can sense the presence of a coming snow.  As I look out at the still green grass littered with leaves and the trees standing coldly bare, part of me can’t help but cling to the sweetness of summer while wishing for it to snow.

I don’t believe I’ve ever wished for snow. But this coming snow seems different than those of past years. Deep within me I know this year’s first snowfall will be a beautiful cleansing snow that embraces everything it touches with a quiet radiance and a subtle hope. A hope that gently covers November’s weary and uncertain landscape. A hope that is rooted in the snowy promise that indeed, Spring will come again. I have to believe it will come again.

As I lay listlessly waiting for sleep to come, I can hear the storm’s wind whirling outside my window. As sleep eluded me, I’d get up and look out the window to see if I could see any first signs of the coming snow. I crawled back into my warm and safe bed and just listened – hoping to awaken to a November kissed by the brightest of snows. As sleep drew me in, my thoughts stirred on the Autumn winds of November and the heartache this month always seems to hold. As I think back over these past few years, my heart can’t help but bring me back to the month of November and the defining moments of CF that so often seem to accompany it. But as I think back, that heartache was always followed by the first snow – a renewing promise that spring will come.

I awoke this morning to a heavy glistening sheet of white covering my windows. The snow had fallen so perfectly overnight and it clung mightily to the world– embracing everything it touched with a breathless beauty as if to say all will be ok. As I get ready to face the new day, I know my lungs will sting bitterly from snow’s first arrival. But with every piercing breath I know that I am alive. I am reminded that each breath would not be as beautiful without each November. So, as I step outside and make my first footprint in the freshly fallen snow, I know November will not last and the hope for tomorrow is woven into this first snow. And the most beautiful part? The snow is still gently falling.

Love to you all.

Breathe in the beauty of the first snowfall. 

One Breath at a Time

All it takes is but a single breath for life to become so very real. In a single breath the heaviness of life and its fragility can pour into the depths of the soul. In a single breath lives a reality that is unchangeable, unfair, and heartbreaking. Within a single breath lives my very truth from which I so often times am on a quest to outrun. A truth that every breath I am given does not come without cost or heartache. A truth that is blended amidst quiet embers of fear waiting to ignite into a consuming blaze – waiting silently to steal that very breath and this life I love.

Betrayal in a Single Breath

Without conscious thought I take a breath and without a second thought give it back to the world. I take another. But this one is familiarly different.

I feel a catch as the air pours into my lungs and I grip onto the very breath that knowingly has given me this moment.  My mouth fills with a taste I’ve tried to erase from my mind. My heart sinks and every breath I’ve taken for granted suddenly finds its weight and meaning within my chest. As I rush to the bathroom I already know within that single breath lies the truth I wish I could extinguish. The bright white porcelain of my sink a glaring contrast next to the truth of this life with CF - a truth painted in the most vibrant and unforgettable color of red. The color of blood.

As I clench the sides of the sink with my fingers, a flood of past memories surge through my body. A million thoughts run through my mind and with each breath comes a familiar burning in my throat and the desperate unanswerable questions that ceaselessly accompany this life with CF. I look up and catch my reflection in the mirror - only to be met by the deafening pleas of heartache present in my eyes. The heartache that dwells within the unassuming beauty of the season of Fall. The heartache I know all too well from past Novembers. The heartache that solely belongs to the feeling that my own body is betraying me and all I am. A heartache and betrayal that would only deepen as the episodes of coughing up blood would persist through the week.

Ceaseless Hope

But in that heartache and betrayal also lies an undeniable truth and the reminder of the gift that is alive in every single breath that I am given. Within that heartache and betrayal shines the fragility of life and a truth from which I will never be able to hide. In that heartache lies a reminder of all I’ve been through, what it means to truly live, and a truth built upon unyielding hope. But most of all, it is a reminder that CF is fused to every breath that gives me life. So, with my pleading eyes I stare back at myself in the mirror and whisper the words, “just one breath at a time.” I cannot change this life with CF but what I can do is graciously take every breath as it comes to me – knowing it can all change in a single breath. So, I wait for this November to pass while embracing this season of Fall - breathing into every single breath a ceaseless hope that may smother the smoldering embers of fear caused by CF.

So, I take this life as it comes to me – one beautiful breath at a time. For within this single breath lies not only heartache caused by CF but the culmination of every beautiful moment, every burst of life-giving laughter, every loving embrace, and an immeasurable gratitude for it all. Within this single breath is this life lived beyond all odds – drenched in uncertainty, relentless hope, and endless beauty. I have learned through each season and through past Novembers to take each breath as it may come - clinging to an uncompromising gratitude for every breath that sustains me and ceaselessly believing in the hope of tomorrow. Love to you all.

Take today just one beautiful breath at a time.

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