Wednesday, December 10, 2014
In the last two weeks I've lost a lot: tears, strength, my grace filled stoic composure, time. My strong secure façade has been broken down and beaten to someone I hardly recognize at times. At times in the last two weeks I've had to become completely vulnerable not only to those I so desperately have sought answers from, but to myself as well. Slowly, I am regaining that presence and strength I have always defined myself by, but I know these last two weeks have left me forever changed. Most of all I wonder, will everyone I love see these changes as well?
The most terrifying realization though? I know what I experienced at the start of those two weeks is just a glimpse into what CF will do, and the chaos it will cause on my body and my mind in the future. I can do it, and I will fight the future of CF with everything I have. It's all part of my beautiful journey.
I may feel a sense of great loss in the last weeks, but in all honesty I have gained so much more than I've lost. Amidst the loss I have gained even more beauty than I could have ever imagined. Amidst the hurt and pain, I have never been filled with more joy or been humbled by so much goodness. The amount of beauty in my life is overwhelming, the people in my life are astounding, and it just doesn't stop. Everywhere I look the beauty outweighs the pain.
There is so much good and beauty that fills my life. From the wonderful CF medical team both at home and at U of M, who have shown me so much kindness, patience, and understanding: who are giving me every opportunity at living. To the nurses, respiratory therapists, nursing assistants, and hospital staff who made me feel so very special. I am so truly thankful for their kindness, but most of all I am so thankful to hear their own amazing stories and call them new friends. To my dear friends and family who surprised me with thoughtful surprise visits, text messages, FB messages: I am left only with tears of gratitude to give each of you. The bounty of goodness just continues to overflow in my life amidst the heartache CF has caused these past two weeks and the realization of difficult decisions yet to come. The selfless generosity and kindness of people is something I can only hope to pay forward. I am blessed beyond measure and am in disbelief: I don't possibly deserve all this goodness.
After almost two weeks at the U of M, I got the "ok" to continue my current treatment and journey of recovery at home. It feels like it has been a long road to get to this point, and it has taken a lot of patience, but the journey home yesterday was so completely beautiful. Each day holds so much potential and I have so much to gain from every beautiful breath I am given.
As we pulled into the driveway last night I was overcome with emotion. Our house was aglow with Christmas lights adorning its peaks, the most beautiful garlands wrapped in welcoming beauty on each railing, and as I walked through the door greeted by my "boys" our Christmas tree was up and beautifully illuminating our living room. What an incredible gift. I stand overcome with emotion (ok, hysteria) as I feel so engulfed by the love and support of the wonderful people I am so lucky to have in my life. Thank you will never be enough.
Amidst the loss I've felt in these past two weeks, I have gained so very much: more than I could have ever fathomed possible. My heart is full, my life is beautiful. Will the people in my life ever really know what a gift they are to me? Will they ever know how the smallest of acts to the grandest of gestures has impacted my life? Do they know how truly grateful I am for each one of them? How their presence alone in my life is what has given my life true meaning and made it incredibly beautiful? I hope you know how incredible each one of you is to my life. Most love and gratitude to each and every one of you.
Life is incredibly rich with beauty. Take a moment and look around.
This week I had the incredible honor of being published on the Huffington Post. I am so humbled and in disbelief of the opportunity. Life is so incredible. To view the post visit: Huffington Post - The Art of Breathing Bravely