We cannot change the course in which we have
already sailed. We must trust this great adventure in which we've set out upon. We must bravely forge ahead ready to embrace whatever our journey has to offer; never allowing
ourselves to become engulfed in past tides.
There's no guarantee that our journey will always
be smooth sailing or that we won't second guess the course in which
we've charted. There's no guarantee that we won't get lost. That the waters
won't be rough at times or that we won't wish to turn back. There's no guarantee that we
won't lose sight of the impact of our own wake. But, we must continue to sail. For without
sailing ahead, we give up all hopeful possibilities that lie beyond the
horizon.
Ordinary
Uncertainty
There has been a great weight pulling me down these
past few weeks. Within me is a tumultuous tide writhing in uncertainty; a deep
questioning resounding inside the hull of my being. I keep looking back at the
wake of my journey, wondering if I took the right course. My mind keeps going
back to those days in which CF lived out of sight and out of mind. Not only
mine, but everyone else's I knew as well. I think about how my life might be
different if I never started writing. If I had never set out onto these
uncharted waters of honesty. If I had continued living behind a perfectly
painted façade.
Without a doubt that decision to share my journey
with CF has changed my life. I often wonder how people saw me before they knew
I lived with CF. What did they see? Someone simply ordinary? Was I measured
against the same standards as everyone else? I fought so tirelessly to show
myself and everyone just how strong I truly was, never wanting pity or special
standards set for me. I thought that by hiding CF successfully I was achieving
more. I was terrified that when people looked at me that CF would be the only
thing they saw: someone who was "sick". I was terrified that everyone
would see all that made me different, how weak I truly was. I've always wanted
nothing more than to be like everyone else. But, hiding my life with CF also
came at a cost: emotional, physical, and mental. Even though CF did not define
me, it still impacted a large part of what made me, me. It's impacted the very person I am today.
The Wake
of My Choice
That wave of uncertainty? It comes from wondering
if CF is the only thing people see when they look at me. Much of my life used
to be separated into the people that knew my secret and those that lived
blindly to the frequent PICC lines that were hidden beneath my cardigans, the
hospital stays, and the doctors appointments. Of course, there were far many
more who lived blindly to my CF than those that knew. To those many I had a few
"sick days," what seemed like a constant cough that I'd do my best to
temper with hoards of cough drops, and some sort of lung
"issue".
I know that by sharing my journey with CF my life has immensely changed.
People will see me differently, there's no changing or controlling that. What I
can control is how I let it impact the wind in my sails. I will let the very
things that make me different breathe life into my sails and push me ahead.
This journey has its uncertainties like that of a turning tide, but this
journey of truth far outweighs any doubts; even if the waters are not always
calm. Because of this journey, I have some of the most meaningful relationships
I could have only ever imagined. I have a future that is filled with
unprecedented possibility. I have accomplished things only by the grace and
understanding of generous people and their commitment to embracing my life with
CF. Yes, there may have been some unsteady seas along this journey that have
caused me to want to turn back, but I am far more blessed than I could have
ever imagined upon this adventure of life.
Sometimes we begin to question the journey in which
we are on, wondering if we made a wrong turn somewhere along our way. Our sails
lose the life within them that guide them forward. We begin to look backwards
at the wake we have left. It seems to disappear before our eyes...
That wake we create may disappear from our sight, but it extends to
every shore, leaving a piece of ourselves within every ripple. We may never
know how that ripple impacted everything it touched. Maybe it
gave a lifeless sailboat an extra push towards the beauty and possibility that
lie beyond its horizon.
It's a new beautiful day and it's perfect for sailing. We must set our
sights ahead and sail, navigating the unpredictable seas ahead. It's
full speed ahead upon these beautiful salty seas. Love to you all.
Do you
know the impact of your own wake?
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