Never Enough

It’s with the strike of a match a blaze of emotion is sparked and dares to undermine the strong will that sets my spirit. As each candle is lit, I see an unmistakable glow flourish in the eyes of those surrounding me. I cannot help but realize the vibrant glow gleaming in their eyes is but a reflection of my own life – its vibrancy, its unpredictable nature, and its unrelenting pursuit to be a light amidst darkness. A glow that with every passing year I want nothing more than to hold onto - to be the unrelenting fire that reflects the untamable life and drive that truly burns vibrantly within every breath.

One More

My 30^th birthday was met with an unmistakable weight within my chest – an awareness of the past weeks’ uncertainties with CF, unanswered questions, and most of all, a deepening realization of what this life truly signifies and the deep gratitude I have for the people I am given the chance to love. I cannot help but think no matter the number of years I am given they will never seem like enough. If anything, the magnitude of losing it all only grows. That the fire that burns within me to truly live will never dissipate but only burn more passionately - always wanting just one more day. One more year. One more breath.

As I felt the air pour into the depths of my lungs in hopes of blowing out every last candle, I couldn’t help but be wholly grateful. I knew this moment in many ways should have never been, and in my heart I knew tomorrow would never be guaranteed. In the reflection of the candles’ glow I not only saw myself but everyone in my life who had fought selflessly and tirelessly for me to be given the chance to celebrate this day – my friends, family, selfless strangers, doctors, nurses, pharmacists, and everyone a part of my CF Care Team.

Unrelenting

As I blew each candle out, billows of their existence swirled amidst the air - a reminder of each candle’s lingering presence even after its glowing flame had been stifled. But, there were several candles that forbid to be extinguished – blown out only to vigorously reignite in an unrelenting glow. Trick candles - an innocent mistake but more perfect than ever could be realized. As the candles forbid to go out, I too forbid to let the blazing fire within me be suffocated - especially by CF. May the fire within me will only burn brighter because of it – casting a powerful glow of hope onto every beautiful breath I am given.

I held back tears as my heart filled with the deepest gratitude for this life I’ve been given, the people that ignite my soul, and every breath that renews the glowing embers within me. I will take every beautiful day, hour, moment as they are so graciously given to me - always sharing the vibrant emblazoned life that passionately burns within me. Here’s to the past 30 years and to the endless hope for 30 more. Thank you to everyone who helped make my birthday so special and for most of all, being such an influential part of what makes the fire within me burn so brightly. Love to you all. 

Let the fire that lives within you burn brightly today and every day you are given.

Defining Moments

We all have them.  Those moments in our life that change us forever.  They have shaped us into who we are at this very given moment.  They make us see the world differently.

Hemoptysis

Hemoptysis is the coughing up of blood or blood stained mucus from the respiratory tract: lungs, bronchi, trachea. Infection is thought to be the main cause of hemoptysis.  Bronchial arteries become swollen and inflamed in response to an infection, causing them to burst and bleed.  Hempotysis can also be caused from damage to tissue and blood vessels in the lungs due to infection and scarring caused by CF.

Changed
A moment that changed my entire world?  November 1, 2O13.  It baffles me that I can remember the date so well when most days I can't remember what I ate for breakfast.  Anyhow, that day will forever be imprinted in my mind and have changed the way I see the world.

I was at a CF clinic visit for a regular check up.  I had been doing fine, living my life as I always had: not thinking about or giving attention to my CF, whatsoever.  I was done with my appointment and waiting in my room for my nurse to return.  I remember having a tickle in my throat and trying to clear it away by coughing.  It didn't go away.  I remember thinking, "hmmm, that's odd" and tried to clear my throat again.  This time I walked to the mirror in the room, opened my mouth to see what I had coughed up, and out came a stream of blood from my mouth.  I continued to cough and the blood just kept coming.  Defining moment? Yes, I have never been more terrified in my life.

Since then, I have continued to have episodes of hemoptysis, ranging from times when the blood seems to just pour from my lips, to just blood streaked mucus.  Coughing up blood and blood sitting in the lungs causes the airways to become inflamed, or as I like to say, "angry," and is a breeding ground for infection.  It seems my lungs have been angry a lot in the last year and a half. Can't we all just get along?




The Good
What do I also remember about that day besides being terrified?  The gentle touch, genuine care, and kindness of my nurse who asked me, "are you scared?" as I tried my best to hold back tears.  My doctors who so urgently came to care for me, evaluate me, and make sure things were stable.  And the other members of my CF team who came to make sure I was ok.  In my mind, I can still see each one of their faces that day. Why this hemoptysis suddenly happened then and there none of us will ever know, but I am so thankful that it did happen there of any place.

That day changed my life forever. [How cliché]. It made me realize I have no control over the future, what a gift today is, and how every relationship in my life is so dear.  I will be grateful for each breath I am given and make the very best of it all.

Thank you to my CF Team.  I am so grateful for each and every one of you.  You each mean the world to me and feel like my family.  Thank you.  Love to you all.


What are your defining moments?