To Beautifully Belong

The greatest of human contentment is found not in the world around us but within ourselves - in a deep self-peace that is reflected within the beauty of truly knowing that we are enough just as we are. Knowing that we truly belong. Knowing that it is the very uniqueness of our journey that gives meaning to every breath we are given. 

Realizing such contentment and self-peace is a continuous journey. And at times, one that can be painful to endure and filled with adversity. We are in constant search of finding where it is we belong – questioning the beauty within every breath we are gifted. We unknowingly cling to distraction and immerse ourselves in the world’s chaos - a means in which allows us to live blindly within our own lives and avoid looking inwardly at the state of our own selves. Allowing us to numbly exist all while sacrificing our beautiful and authentically unique spirits. We cling to the stability of chaos and distraction - never able to find the place of quieted true contentment within ourselves, scared and unable to see the beauty in our own unique journeys.

A Quiet Stillness

As I sit beneath the expansive summer sky my mind wanders as it often does. There’s a sting of sadness that often surfaces when I’m left alone in such a quiet state of mind. It’s the silent side of CF. It is a plague unto my mind and heart when all is still. It appears when I am not consumed by the world’s chaos and engulfed in my own subconsciously created distractions – every minute given to something other than myself as a way to deny my own reality and cope with an ever–growing discontentment created by CF.

There’s a quiet stillness about this summer in comparison to other summers. Or, maybe I am just seeing my own reflection a bit differently in this season of life– acutely aware of time, purpose, and contentment. In such quietness lies an intense restlessness. A restlessness that is knowingly rooted in the silent side of CF and the uncertainty it perpetually stirs within the deepest parts of my being. It’s a restlessness born of stillness, the passing of time, inevitable change, and the uncontrollable circumstances of my unique journey with CF. But most of all, it’s a restlessness that disrupts my inner peace- making me question where it is I belong and the beauty of this unique journey I’ve been gifted.

Beautifully Enough

As times passes I realize more and more how different all of our journeys are. And seemingly I realize just how lonely this road less traveled can be. There’s something special in the sharing of what is familiar between people- an unspoken bond and deepness. It gives a reassuring sense of belonging and understanding. The pang of sadness comes not in living this unique journey I’ve been given with CF and all that comes with it, but it comes in knowing I will never fully share life in the same way with dear friends and family. The sadness comes when I realize that my journey will always seem so very different. So, I do my best to quiet this restlessness. Not by immersing myself amidst distracting chaos like I desperately try to do so often, but by sharing my honest self and most of all, listening. Hoping to vibrantly live and experience life not only through my own unique journey but through the beautifully different journeys of all those who fill my life.

I look to the summer sky and breathe in the warm air of my favorite season, a wash of reassuring contentment fills my quieted soul. 

Life fills my soul. 

In a brief renewing moment I am reminded that it is in our own uniqueness that we truly belong. That self-peace is found within the most honest parts of who we are – rooted in gratitude for the life we have each been given. Rooted in knowing we are beautifully enough just as we are. Rooted in the truth that it is through sharing each of our different journeys we truly live and experience the beauty in every breath. Love to you all.

Take a deep breath and look to today's summer sky. Fill your soul with the peace of knowing you are truly enough and this unique journey you've been gifted is breathtakingly beautiful. 

A Search For Words

There’s a bit of fear that inhabits every truth that makes up who we are. It’s a fear that is shared within every honest breath we give back to the world and undermines the self-assured faith we hold within ourselves. 

It inhabits a small but powerful place within each of us and is fed by self-doubt and a relentless search to find the perfect words that may bridge the gap of indifference. Such fear dwells within our inner dialogue and stems from the very core of what makes us who we are – that in which we feel makes us different. We keep silent because of the fear that we might be misunderstood or that our honesty will bare only our weakness. Silence protects our hearts while stifling the voice that threatens to expose our vulnerability.

An Ever-Changing Journey

It was a difficult decision to finally open up about my life with CF and let those I love and the world in, but I had little idea that the most difficult thing would actually be finding the adequate words to do so – to make it understandable, embraceable, yet most importantly, relatable. To not create a platform for pity but an avenue for empathy that extends far beyond myself. How can I relate a universal feeling or experience to this life I’ve been given with CF? How can I translate this ever-changing experience into words that may connect with the heart and lives of those in which I’m sharing? Not to expose this life I live but to honestly share this beautiful life I am gifted - showing that the details of each of our lives may differ but that the difficulties we face, the beautiful moments we celebrate, and love we all feel are rooted in the same breath that sustains each of us?

In this life with CF there are often more questions than I have answers to and a small but powerful inner fear silences me from voicing my own self-doubts, and the ruminating questions that stir within me. In such self-doubt and questioning I feel most vulnerable. 

“What if the right words escape me?” 

It’s something I’ve always struggled with - finding the words to translate the embodiment of CF and its effects to those I’ve entrusted to be a part of this journey whether it be the closest of loved ones or my CF Care Team. I realize there are no “right words” to accomplish such a task, only a life that exudes honesty and is built upon gratitude for every beautiful breath. Within each one of those gifted breaths is a fearful vulnerability that challenges my initial inclination to retreat within the safety of my silence and perfected façade. But I relentlessly continue to search for the right and honest words, knowing that each one ignites hopeful possibility that can only exist within the unique vulnerability that makes me truly who I am.

The Right Words

Each day we are each given a choice: to be defined by the small yet silencing fear that dwells within every breath we are gifted, forever searching for the right words. Or, we can live in a place of hope-filled vulnerability that openly gives empathy the chance to thrive – trusting that the right words will always be present within each one of us.  Love to you all.

What perfect words are you searching for?

A Hidden Chaos

[Part III of "The Artistry of Being Honest."]

There’s a bottomless well of churning thought and emotion that engulfs the very core of our being and is born of a silent inner strength. That strength unassumingly the very foundation of who we are and the life that courses through every breath. It is the beautiful dance that lives within the purest of inner joys, yet is the weight in which embraces our tears and makes them forcefully fall. It’s always present - alive in our most vulnerable of moments and within a deep tenacious hope.

A Piercing Presence

But there’s a deep anxiety that dares to challenge that strength in which is woven through every honest part of who I am. It tirelessly tries to pull me into a consuming place of churning emotion and thought. It dares to prove my feared self-proclaimed inadequacies. It isn’t easily perceivable to the unknowing eye, nor is it a part of my journey with CF I easily expose. It’s not the barreled shape of my chest, my distinguishable cough, or the piercing pain found beneath my ribs. No. It’s deeper- it's a gripping and relentless anxiety that dares to undermine the strength that I know sustains every beautiful breath I’m given.

I hide it deep within from the world in fear of exposing my true weakness. Reverberations of its laughter course through my body in a breathless silent panic. At times, its suffocating grip clenches my throat tighter and tighter until I feel I am gasping for air. Its piercing presence unassumingly woven within the simplest moments of my life and within every unwritten possibility. Its concealed restlessness stirs within every self-doubting thought that prides itself on highlighting the uncontrollable realities that accompany my life. It is made up of a constant worry of time, living life to its fullest, and the feeling I am not doing enough. Most of all, it’s composed of the fear that I am causing those I love pain and disappointment created by the uncontrollable elements of my life with CF.

Inner Strength

I try and silence these anxieties and for the most part, I can keep a rational hold of them. But sometimes, it feels as if the mental weight of CF is suffocating me. I do my best to keep it tightly controlled within my grip, doing my best to never allow it to surface. But there are times my strength is no match for CF’s anxiety, and I am reminded that there is much in life that I have no control over. I do my best to re-center myself and seek the beauty that surrounds me. I breathe deeply and find my inner strength - clinging to the gratitude for the goodness that fills my life. Within the most chaotic and anxiety ridden moments, I always find that unyielding seed of hope planted within the deepest part of my being. Most of all, I smile and remind myself that this is my life and this is my truth.

I share this with you not because it will make my anxiety disappear but because sometimes being strong comes in the form of the most humble honesty. This is my life and this is my truth - it all makes me who I am. Difficulties are a part of our journey and manifest themselves differently in each one of us whether it is physical, mental, or emotional. It is in the sharing of my own life that I hope you feel a renewed sense of your own beautiful strength that is alive in every breath you take. But, most of all, I hope through the honesty of my own life that you find the strength to share your own incredible journey - the beautiful and the difficult. Strength is not measured by the amount of life we are able to withstand but is a reflection of how we react to the life we’ve been given and how we commit ourselves to the act of honestly living. Love to you all.  

What makes you strong?