To Beautifully Belong

The greatest of human contentment is found not in the world around us but within ourselves - in a deep self-peace that is reflected within the beauty of truly knowing that we are enough just as we are. Knowing that we truly belong. Knowing that it is the very uniqueness of our journey that gives meaning to every breath we are given. 

Realizing such contentment and self-peace is a continuous journey. And at times, one that can be painful to endure and filled with adversity. We are in constant search of finding where it is we belong – questioning the beauty within every breath we are gifted. We unknowingly cling to distraction and immerse ourselves in the world’s chaos - a means in which allows us to live blindly within our own lives and avoid looking inwardly at the state of our own selves. Allowing us to numbly exist all while sacrificing our beautiful and authentically unique spirits. We cling to the stability of chaos and distraction - never able to find the place of quieted true contentment within ourselves, scared and unable to see the beauty in our own unique journeys.

A Quiet Stillness

As I sit beneath the expansive summer sky my mind wanders as it often does. There’s a sting of sadness that often surfaces when I’m left alone in such a quiet state of mind. It’s the silent side of CF. It is a plague unto my mind and heart when all is still. It appears when I am not consumed by the world’s chaos and engulfed in my own subconsciously created distractions – every minute given to something other than myself as a way to deny my own reality and cope with an ever–growing discontentment created by CF.

There’s a quiet stillness about this summer in comparison to other summers. Or, maybe I am just seeing my own reflection a bit differently in this season of life– acutely aware of time, purpose, and contentment. In such quietness lies an intense restlessness. A restlessness that is knowingly rooted in the silent side of CF and the uncertainty it perpetually stirs within the deepest parts of my being. It’s a restlessness born of stillness, the passing of time, inevitable change, and the uncontrollable circumstances of my unique journey with CF. But most of all, it’s a restlessness that disrupts my inner peace- making me question where it is I belong and the beauty of this unique journey I’ve been gifted.

Beautifully Enough

As times passes I realize more and more how different all of our journeys are. And seemingly I realize just how lonely this road less traveled can be. There’s something special in the sharing of what is familiar between people- an unspoken bond and deepness. It gives a reassuring sense of belonging and understanding. The pang of sadness comes not in living this unique journey I’ve been given with CF and all that comes with it, but it comes in knowing I will never fully share life in the same way with dear friends and family. The sadness comes when I realize that my journey will always seem so very different. So, I do my best to quiet this restlessness. Not by immersing myself amidst distracting chaos like I desperately try to do so often, but by sharing my honest self and most of all, listening. Hoping to vibrantly live and experience life not only through my own unique journey but through the beautifully different journeys of all those who fill my life.

I look to the summer sky and breathe in the warm air of my favorite season, a wash of reassuring contentment fills my quieted soul. 

Life fills my soul. 

In a brief renewing moment I am reminded that it is in our own uniqueness that we truly belong. That self-peace is found within the most honest parts of who we are – rooted in gratitude for the life we have each been given. Rooted in knowing we are beautifully enough just as we are. Rooted in the truth that it is through sharing each of our different journeys we truly live and experience the beauty in every breath. Love to you all.

Take a deep breath and look to today's summer sky. Fill your soul with the peace of knowing you are truly enough and this unique journey you've been gifted is breathtakingly beautiful. 

Adventures Await

It's this time of year when everyone is filled with such excitement for the months ahead: it is the unofficial start to summer.   After a long and brutal winter that kept everyone locked up inside, we are all itching to breathe in the fresh warm air and explore the great outdoors.  The months ahead seem ripe with endless possibilities. Take a moment and think about what excites you most about the summer months ahead? Is it spending a week at the lake?  Going on family vacation? Sitting next to the pool? Or just being able sit next to a bonfire and roast marshmallows?

About a year and half ago when CF made Mark and I face a new reality, we decided to live life very differently.  We live life in the moment and for the moment.  We don't take for granted that tomorrow with be there.  As we have experienced, things can change so quickly with CF that we tightly grasp onto today and do everything possible to make the best of those good days.  There's a lot of living we try and cram into every day because we never know what tomorrow is going to bring.  

Last year for our 5th wedding anniversary Mark surprised me with a 1969 vintage baby camper.  The weekend of our anniversary he had told me to pack a bag with just jeans, t-shirts, and sweatshirts and that we would be leaving at a certain time on Friday.   We began driving: the endless highway stretching before us and the fields beside us kissed with the summer sun.  About 35 minutes later we arrived at a state park where he pulled up to a baby camper and said, "this is ours!" Our great friends were also there with their baby camper, and the weekend was one I will cherish dearly forever.  

Now, the baby camper needed a lot of TLC, but it was all ours: great adventures awaited us. 

This last week Mark, with the help of a wonderful friend RJ, has been working endlessly to renovate the baby camper and get it ready to take out: new roof, new flooring, new paint, etc.  I am so excited for the first time we take it out this summer.  Why? Because I am living, making new memories, breathing in the world around me.  We are not waiting for life to happen, we are making life happen.  I have a chance at another wonderful summer, to spend it with the amazing people in my life, and to make beautiful memories.  Life is too short not to live in the moment that I have so graciously been given.  What will you do with the gift of today, the gift of another summer, the gift of another breath?  Love to you all.  

Take today and live.  I mean really live.  Buy yourself a baby camper and set out on an adventure.  

Spring Winds

South Dakota

I live on the plains of South Dakota. Not like Laura Ingalls Wilder, but in a beautiful big little city where the wind can blow incredibly strong.  It is Springtime on the plains, which means there are days of absolute perfection, and then there are days plagued by extreme winds: complete with blowing tumbleweeds.  This time of year in South Dakota can be just beautiful.

This is my favorite time of the year. I wake up in the morning and see the sun pouring through the windows promising a beautiful day.  I envision stepping outside and feeling the sun warm upon my face: pure bliss. Wait. What's that I hear? It's the sound of the wind hissing through the trees and against the window.  I walk outside to take part in the beauty of the day and am nearly blown away.  I stand my ground as the wind whips through every part of me, trying to lead me to where it demands I go.

Windy Days
Having CF is a lot like living on the plains of South Dakota.  Some days are the most beautiful days one could ever experience in life and some days are like living in a wind storm.   The warm sun hitting my face on gorgeous calm days makes me forget about the unbearable "windy days." Those furious winds also make me appreciate the calm days even more.  The winds of CF are trying to push me off course, trying to push me to the edge, trying to control me.

South Dakota

The inflammation of my airways crucially affects what kind of day I am going to have: blue skies and a light breeze or gale force winds adorned with tumbleweeds? Some days nothing helps calm down my angry airways, and my lungs feel like wet towels trying to be wrung out.  I am always conscious of the air I am breathing in and how my airways and lungs may react.  I am constantly analyzing my environment: "What is the weather doing?" "What front is moving through?" "Is it windy?" "Are the farmers in the fields creating extra dust?" "Is there a candle burning?" "Is someone having a fire?" "What fumes am I inhaling: paint, cleaning solutions, perfumes?" My lungs seem to be more and more sensitive to the air around them the more my CF progresses.  My CF Team is constantly working with me to control the amount of inflammation caused by CF, as amount of infection often coincides with the amount of inflammation.

South Dakota 

Tall and Strong
When I wake up in the morning and peer out my window to the world, the bright sun and blue skies promise a beautiful Spring day.  Not until I get outside do I feel the wind furiously whirl around me.  I do my best to hide those "windy days" from the world, but I know there is still something beautiful in each of them.  CF tries to navigate the course of my life, but I stand firm and will not allow it to push me.  I am stubborn like the Oak Tree that stands firm among the howling winds on the South Dakota plains.  I may bend and sway, but I will not break to the winds of CF.  I will breathe bravely.  Love to you all.


Where is the wind pushing you?