[Blog entry created by Lisa Yager]
Please tell me you read/sang
"brave like Ashley" to the tune of "Moves like Jagger" by
Maroon 5. Oh, you didn't? Just me? Okay...
If
you've been reading Ashley's blog regularly or have the pleasure to know her
personally, you are aware that her journey with CF has been marked by great
strength, courage, and joy. In sum, matchless bravery. She truly breathes
bravely.
I
have always coveted Ashley's bravery. Perhaps you have, too. I considered
myself weak in comparison to her seemingly limitless courage and overwhelming power
to fight CF. Bravery is her default and I envied this trait in my dear friend. Don't
we all want to be brave like Ashley? (You
sang it that time, didn't you? Yes!)
I
assumed I would never possess such bravery and strength. I assumed I was weak and less capable of
handling life's bleaker moments and harsher challenges. I could never be brave
like Ashley.
Like
Ashley, I have kept a secret from the world.
Infertility
and the battle to conceive a child is a real and often silent struggle for
many. My husband and I kept this chapter in our lives a tightly held secret . The
secret first began to elicit surprise and pure joy when we told our closest
friends and family that we were expecting a child. In time, the secret became a
copping mechanism to hide the associated shame and frustration. The emotional
toll was often unbearable. I didn't feel brave. Weakness prevailed as each passing
month brought a negative pregnancy test. Strength and bravery seemed out of
reach.
And
then, it arrived.
A
positive pregnancy test. Blessed (yet, unpleasant) pregnancy symptoms followed.
And
then, it ended. Just shy of fourteen weeks pregnant, after two successful
doctor's visits, I lost the baby.
The
unexpected and tragic end of my pregnancy was traumatizing. Yet, through the physical
pain and dreadful details, I found an unexpected amount of courage and
strength. Suddenly, I was brave.
I
am still processing this journey; the physical and emotional pain are still far
too real. Grief has not begun. Yet, one item is for certain. I am brave. Far
braver than I ever imagined. I choose to believe that this strength has always
been inside of me, just waiting to be found and applied.
You
are brave, too. Even when weakness prevails and the world seems dark, you can
be brave.
Perhaps bravery comes when we need it most. Whether we are fighting daily to protect our body from the dangers of CF, dealing with infertility and miscarriage, or just struggling with the ups and downs of life, we are all brave. Braver than we ever dreamed possible.
When
the physical and emotional wounds have healed, the journey to conceive will
begin again. And I will face it with bravery. Will it be easy? No. Will this
bravery always come naturally? No. Am I scared beyond belief? Yes. But, I have
found an unknown strength and the bravery to tackle whatever may come.
You
can too. You can be brave like.......
You.
Have
you found your inner bravery?
Note:
Infertility and miscarriage impact many. This experience is my own.
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