To Beautifully Belong

The greatest of human contentment is found not in the world around us but within ourselves - in a deep self-peace that is reflected within the beauty of truly knowing that we are enough just as we are. Knowing that we truly belong. Knowing that it is the very uniqueness of our journey that gives meaning to every breath we are given. 

Realizing such contentment and self-peace is a continuous journey. And at times, one that can be painful to endure and filled with adversity. We are in constant search of finding where it is we belong – questioning the beauty within every breath we are gifted. We unknowingly cling to distraction and immerse ourselves in the world’s chaos - a means in which allows us to live blindly within our own lives and avoid looking inwardly at the state of our own selves. Allowing us to numbly exist all while sacrificing our beautiful and authentically unique spirits. We cling to the stability of chaos and distraction - never able to find the place of quieted true contentment within ourselves, scared and unable to see the beauty in our own unique journeys.

A Quiet Stillness

As I sit beneath the expansive summer sky my mind wanders as it often does. There’s a sting of sadness that often surfaces when I’m left alone in such a quiet state of mind. It’s the silent side of CF. It is a plague unto my mind and heart when all is still. It appears when I am not consumed by the world’s chaos and engulfed in my own subconsciously created distractions – every minute given to something other than myself as a way to deny my own reality and cope with an ever–growing discontentment created by CF.

There’s a quiet stillness about this summer in comparison to other summers. Or, maybe I am just seeing my own reflection a bit differently in this season of life– acutely aware of time, purpose, and contentment. In such quietness lies an intense restlessness. A restlessness that is knowingly rooted in the silent side of CF and the uncertainty it perpetually stirs within the deepest parts of my being. It’s a restlessness born of stillness, the passing of time, inevitable change, and the uncontrollable circumstances of my unique journey with CF. But most of all, it’s a restlessness that disrupts my inner peace- making me question where it is I belong and the beauty of this unique journey I’ve been gifted.

Beautifully Enough

As times passes I realize more and more how different all of our journeys are. And seemingly I realize just how lonely this road less traveled can be. There’s something special in the sharing of what is familiar between people- an unspoken bond and deepness. It gives a reassuring sense of belonging and understanding. The pang of sadness comes not in living this unique journey I’ve been given with CF and all that comes with it, but it comes in knowing I will never fully share life in the same way with dear friends and family. The sadness comes when I realize that my journey will always seem so very different. So, I do my best to quiet this restlessness. Not by immersing myself amidst distracting chaos like I desperately try to do so often, but by sharing my honest self and most of all, listening. Hoping to vibrantly live and experience life not only through my own unique journey but through the beautifully different journeys of all those who fill my life.

I look to the summer sky and breathe in the warm air of my favorite season, a wash of reassuring contentment fills my quieted soul. 

Life fills my soul. 

In a brief renewing moment I am reminded that it is in our own uniqueness that we truly belong. That self-peace is found within the most honest parts of who we are – rooted in gratitude for the life we have each been given. Rooted in knowing we are beautifully enough just as we are. Rooted in the truth that it is through sharing each of our different journeys we truly live and experience the beauty in every breath. Love to you all.

Take a deep breath and look to today's summer sky. Fill your soul with the peace of knowing you are truly enough and this unique journey you've been gifted is breathtakingly beautiful. 

Impossible Firsts

I remember the first night I was alone in a hospital room around the age of seven. I remember crying myself to sleep and begging my mom not to leave. I remember blood draws, failed IV starts, and the feeling of the cold vinyl against my skin as I lie against the sterile exam table. I remember counting the ceiling tiles and listening to the sound of my own breathing - something I still do. I remember the feeling of the unwelcoming cold tile floor barren below my feet in my hospital room shower.  I remember the whooshing and clicking sound the door made as it closed and opened.

I remember the first time I told Mark about CF and the ceaseless determination in his eyes. I remember the first time I coughed up blood and the terror that pierced through my body. I remember for the first time being truly terrified of the power of CF and the destruction it could cause. I remember the first time realizing my lungs were starving for air. I remember the first time the words “lung transplant” were said to me and the burning disbelief that such words were possible. I remember the first blog post I ever wrote and the life-changing truth that filled each sentence.

My life is filled with many painful firsts that have molded me into the person I am today. But my life is also filled with the most beautiful of firsts:

Beautiful Firsts 

I remember my first slumber party. I remember my first day of kindergarten and climbing the three big steps onto the school bus. I remember the first time I jumped off a diving board and rode a bike without training wheels. I remember my first voice lesson and the first notes I played on my piano.

I remember my first kiss. I remember the first time I stood on the stage on opening night. I remember driving my first car and learning how to drive a 5-speed. I remember my first prom and the best friend that made the night so memorable. I remember saying my first real goodbyes to friends as we graduated from high school. I remember the first time I said, “I love you” and the butterflies that filled my stomach.

I remember looking at my first apartment. I remember my first conversation with my college roommate and the way of her smile and how it created a crease at the corners of her eyes. I remember my first day of college. I remember my first time in Paris and eating jambon et fromage baguettes on the street. I remember tasting my first alcohol and the morning after. I remember my first week of finals and my first spring on campus.

I remember looking down for the first time at my left hand and the sight of my engagement ring. I remember the first time I saw Mark on our wedding day and the color of his eyes. I remember the first dance at our wedding. I remember buying our first house and the beautiful dreams that awaited. I remember bringing our first dog, Cooper, home and making us a family.  

This beautiful list could endlessly go on. In all honesty, though, would all these firsts look as sweet to me if not for CF? While my life is filled with many beautiful and heartbreaking firsts, the most beautiful thing of all is that I can share them with you. By all odds I shouldn’t be here and by all odds I shouldn’t be breathing. By all odds CF should have stolen every last beautiful breath long ago, along with so many firsts. But it hasn’t. 

Because of you

I owe each of these firsts to you. No, really. I am here because of you. I am here because you weren’t willing to give up. I am here because you believed in this fight and the beauty in every breath. Does that mean there aren’t difficult days ahead? Of course, not, but we continue to press on with unfaltering hope for the opportunity to create more beautiful and memorable firsts. While I have lived a life filled with the most incredible of moments, there is so much life I have yet to live.  I am here because of your support, and the life-saving drugs and therapies developed by the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. Without their relentless drive to research and drug development, many of us would not be here today. But what’s the most humbling part of each life-extending drug I take? None of them would be possible without you. Truly.

More Impossible Firsts
So I ask you from the bottom of my heart and from the depths of my scar ridden lungs to join me in the relentless pursuit for more beautiful days filled with impossible firsts. We are so very close to a cure but we are not there yet. Continue this fight not for me but for the parents, families, and friends who yearn to celebrate so many firsts and beautiful moments with their loved one with CF. 

Walk with me for Team Ashley in Great Strides for CF on June 4, or find a Great Strides/team to support in your city! Show your support not for me, but for all those whose lives have been touched by CF. Love to you all.

Sign up or donate 

to Team Ashley:

 http://fightcf.cff.org/site/TR/GreatStrides/80_Minnesota_Minneapolis?pg=team&fr_id=4825&team_id=50338

Team Ashley

Great Strides for CF - Cystic Fibrosis Foundation

Saturday, June 4, 2016

10 a.m.

Spencer Park . Sioux Falls, SD

Help be a part of a beautiful future filled with so many firsts. 

Please note that donations made to Team Ashley go to The Cystic Fibrosis Foundation.

A Hidden Chaos

[Part III of "The Artistry of Being Honest."]

There’s a bottomless well of churning thought and emotion that engulfs the very core of our being and is born of a silent inner strength. That strength unassumingly the very foundation of who we are and the life that courses through every breath. It is the beautiful dance that lives within the purest of inner joys, yet is the weight in which embraces our tears and makes them forcefully fall. It’s always present - alive in our most vulnerable of moments and within a deep tenacious hope.

A Piercing Presence

But there’s a deep anxiety that dares to challenge that strength in which is woven through every honest part of who I am. It tirelessly tries to pull me into a consuming place of churning emotion and thought. It dares to prove my feared self-proclaimed inadequacies. It isn’t easily perceivable to the unknowing eye, nor is it a part of my journey with CF I easily expose. It’s not the barreled shape of my chest, my distinguishable cough, or the piercing pain found beneath my ribs. No. It’s deeper- it's a gripping and relentless anxiety that dares to undermine the strength that I know sustains every beautiful breath I’m given.

I hide it deep within from the world in fear of exposing my true weakness. Reverberations of its laughter course through my body in a breathless silent panic. At times, its suffocating grip clenches my throat tighter and tighter until I feel I am gasping for air. Its piercing presence unassumingly woven within the simplest moments of my life and within every unwritten possibility. Its concealed restlessness stirs within every self-doubting thought that prides itself on highlighting the uncontrollable realities that accompany my life. It is made up of a constant worry of time, living life to its fullest, and the feeling I am not doing enough. Most of all, it’s composed of the fear that I am causing those I love pain and disappointment created by the uncontrollable elements of my life with CF.

Inner Strength

I try and silence these anxieties and for the most part, I can keep a rational hold of them. But sometimes, it feels as if the mental weight of CF is suffocating me. I do my best to keep it tightly controlled within my grip, doing my best to never allow it to surface. But there are times my strength is no match for CF’s anxiety, and I am reminded that there is much in life that I have no control over. I do my best to re-center myself and seek the beauty that surrounds me. I breathe deeply and find my inner strength - clinging to the gratitude for the goodness that fills my life. Within the most chaotic and anxiety ridden moments, I always find that unyielding seed of hope planted within the deepest part of my being. Most of all, I smile and remind myself that this is my life and this is my truth.

I share this with you not because it will make my anxiety disappear but because sometimes being strong comes in the form of the most humble honesty. This is my life and this is my truth - it all makes me who I am. Difficulties are a part of our journey and manifest themselves differently in each one of us whether it is physical, mental, or emotional. It is in the sharing of my own life that I hope you feel a renewed sense of your own beautiful strength that is alive in every breath you take. But, most of all, I hope through the honesty of my own life that you find the strength to share your own incredible journey - the beautiful and the difficult. Strength is not measured by the amount of life we are able to withstand but is a reflection of how we react to the life we’ve been given and how we commit ourselves to the act of honestly living. Love to you all.  

What makes you strong?