The past few weeks in South Dakota have been some of the most beautiful: endless days of sun-kissed perfection bookended by cool, crisp nights and mornings. I wish they would never end.
I am so thankful for these warm days where the sun still kisses my cheeks and I am reminded of the beauty in which surrounds me. The explosion of Fall color is a beautiful finale to the song that is the cycle of life. Soon, the trees will drop their leaves, left barren. When the wind whips through their branches there will no longer be the sound of rustling leaves, but only silence. Rays of sun upon my face will be replaced with the bite of cold air as I anxiously await the first glimpses of Spring and signs of new life. As for today, I will be grateful for Fall's embracing beauty and the brilliance of life it represents.
A Life Lived
Those years I had with Nate seem like a completely different life: they almost don’t seem real. For a long time I pretended those years didn’t exist. I still do to a certain degree: always keeping memories, questions, and emotions at a safe, manageable distance. Maybe it has always been a way for me to live conveniently in denial about my own reality, and the deep connection I will forever have with Nate and CF. It still pains me to think about those years: what I saw, the suffering, the guilt I still have in regards to my own health/life in comparison to his, and witnessing the deep heartache of my parents.
I often find myself playing with the "ifs" of life: wondering what my life would be like if he were still alive, if CF had never entered our world. Would we be close? What would holidays look like? Would he be in love? Have children? What would our childhood have looked like without CF? How differently would both our lives have played out? How different would we be as people? What if he had been given the same life saving chances that I have been given? Would that have made any difference? Will my own journey with CF follow his same path?
Here's to you, Nate.
Whose beautiful memory still lives on in you?