Never Enough

It’s with the strike of a match a blaze of emotion is sparked and dares to undermine the strong will that sets my spirit. As each candle is lit, I see an unmistakable glow flourish in the eyes of those surrounding me. I cannot help but realize the vibrant glow gleaming in their eyes is but a reflection of my own life – its vibrancy, its unpredictable nature, and its unrelenting pursuit to be a light amidst darkness. A glow that with every passing year I want nothing more than to hold onto - to be the unrelenting fire that reflects the untamable life and drive that truly burns vibrantly within every breath.

One More

My 30^th birthday was met with an unmistakable weight within my chest – an awareness of the past weeks’ uncertainties with CF, unanswered questions, and most of all, a deepening realization of what this life truly signifies and the deep gratitude I have for the people I am given the chance to love. I cannot help but think no matter the number of years I am given they will never seem like enough. If anything, the magnitude of losing it all only grows. That the fire that burns within me to truly live will never dissipate but only burn more passionately - always wanting just one more day. One more year. One more breath.

As I felt the air pour into the depths of my lungs in hopes of blowing out every last candle, I couldn’t help but be wholly grateful. I knew this moment in many ways should have never been, and in my heart I knew tomorrow would never be guaranteed. In the reflection of the candles’ glow I not only saw myself but everyone in my life who had fought selflessly and tirelessly for me to be given the chance to celebrate this day – my friends, family, selfless strangers, doctors, nurses, pharmacists, and everyone a part of my CF Care Team.

Unrelenting

As I blew each candle out, billows of their existence swirled amidst the air - a reminder of each candle’s lingering presence even after its glowing flame had been stifled. But, there were several candles that forbid to be extinguished – blown out only to vigorously reignite in an unrelenting glow. Trick candles - an innocent mistake but more perfect than ever could be realized. As the candles forbid to go out, I too forbid to let the blazing fire within me be suffocated - especially by CF. May the fire within me will only burn brighter because of it – casting a powerful glow of hope onto every beautiful breath I am given.

I held back tears as my heart filled with the deepest gratitude for this life I’ve been given, the people that ignite my soul, and every breath that renews the glowing embers within me. I will take every beautiful day, hour, moment as they are so graciously given to me - always sharing the vibrant emblazoned life that passionately burns within me. Here’s to the past 30 years and to the endless hope for 30 more. Thank you to everyone who helped make my birthday so special and for most of all, being such an influential part of what makes the fire within me burn so brightly. Love to you all. 

Let the fire that lives within you burn brightly today and every day you are given.

Impossible Firsts

I remember the first night I was alone in a hospital room around the age of seven. I remember crying myself to sleep and begging my mom not to leave. I remember blood draws, failed IV starts, and the feeling of the cold vinyl against my skin as I lie against the sterile exam table. I remember counting the ceiling tiles and listening to the sound of my own breathing - something I still do. I remember the feeling of the unwelcoming cold tile floor barren below my feet in my hospital room shower.  I remember the whooshing and clicking sound the door made as it closed and opened.

I remember the first time I told Mark about CF and the ceaseless determination in his eyes. I remember the first time I coughed up blood and the terror that pierced through my body. I remember for the first time being truly terrified of the power of CF and the destruction it could cause. I remember the first time realizing my lungs were starving for air. I remember the first time the words “lung transplant” were said to me and the burning disbelief that such words were possible. I remember the first blog post I ever wrote and the life-changing truth that filled each sentence.

My life is filled with many painful firsts that have molded me into the person I am today. But my life is also filled with the most beautiful of firsts:

Beautiful Firsts 

I remember my first slumber party. I remember my first day of kindergarten and climbing the three big steps onto the school bus. I remember the first time I jumped off a diving board and rode a bike without training wheels. I remember my first voice lesson and the first notes I played on my piano.

I remember my first kiss. I remember the first time I stood on the stage on opening night. I remember driving my first car and learning how to drive a 5-speed. I remember my first prom and the best friend that made the night so memorable. I remember saying my first real goodbyes to friends as we graduated from high school. I remember the first time I said, “I love you” and the butterflies that filled my stomach.

I remember looking at my first apartment. I remember my first conversation with my college roommate and the way of her smile and how it created a crease at the corners of her eyes. I remember my first day of college. I remember my first time in Paris and eating jambon et fromage baguettes on the street. I remember tasting my first alcohol and the morning after. I remember my first week of finals and my first spring on campus.

I remember looking down for the first time at my left hand and the sight of my engagement ring. I remember the first time I saw Mark on our wedding day and the color of his eyes. I remember the first dance at our wedding. I remember buying our first house and the beautiful dreams that awaited. I remember bringing our first dog, Cooper, home and making us a family.  

This beautiful list could endlessly go on. In all honesty, though, would all these firsts look as sweet to me if not for CF? While my life is filled with many beautiful and heartbreaking firsts, the most beautiful thing of all is that I can share them with you. By all odds I shouldn’t be here and by all odds I shouldn’t be breathing. By all odds CF should have stolen every last beautiful breath long ago, along with so many firsts. But it hasn’t. 

Because of you

I owe each of these firsts to you. No, really. I am here because of you. I am here because you weren’t willing to give up. I am here because you believed in this fight and the beauty in every breath. Does that mean there aren’t difficult days ahead? Of course, not, but we continue to press on with unfaltering hope for the opportunity to create more beautiful and memorable firsts. While I have lived a life filled with the most incredible of moments, there is so much life I have yet to live.  I am here because of your support, and the life-saving drugs and therapies developed by the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. Without their relentless drive to research and drug development, many of us would not be here today. But what’s the most humbling part of each life-extending drug I take? None of them would be possible without you. Truly.

More Impossible Firsts
So I ask you from the bottom of my heart and from the depths of my scar ridden lungs to join me in the relentless pursuit for more beautiful days filled with impossible firsts. We are so very close to a cure but we are not there yet. Continue this fight not for me but for the parents, families, and friends who yearn to celebrate so many firsts and beautiful moments with their loved one with CF. 

Walk with me for Team Ashley in Great Strides for CF on June 4, or find a Great Strides/team to support in your city! Show your support not for me, but for all those whose lives have been touched by CF. Love to you all.

Sign up or donate 

to Team Ashley:

 http://fightcf.cff.org/site/TR/GreatStrides/80_Minnesota_Minneapolis?pg=team&fr_id=4825&team_id=50338

Team Ashley

Great Strides for CF - Cystic Fibrosis Foundation

Saturday, June 4, 2016

10 a.m.

Spencer Park . Sioux Falls, SD

Help be a part of a beautiful future filled with so many firsts. 

Please note that donations made to Team Ashley go to The Cystic Fibrosis Foundation.

Trouble in Paradise

[Blog post written by Mark Bonnema]

Vacation - a perfect combination of down time, relaxation, sunshine, but also a little added stress. Even something as simple as traveling to Florida to relax in the sun with family is not as easy as it seems when traveling with CF.  

Just because we are in Florida does not mean we are insulated from the everyday issues a couple living with CF may have to face. In fact, now that we have nothing but time on our hands, emotional and relational issues that have been lying dormant just under the surface of our relationship have opportunity to emerge. Its like the tide is going out, revealing what has been hiding under the seemingly peaceful surface waters. I feel it. I am all too aware it is there. Ashley feels it too. The undertow. When we are at home and in our daily routine, it does not bother as much, but we are not at home anymore, now we are in “paradise.”

The issue? My emotional life (or lack there of). The most difficult feeling for me to cope with is helplessness. I feel it often, slowly deflating my spirit, conditioning me to believe there is nothing I can do to fix, heal, or save Ashley.  It leaves me with an unsettling fear that I hate to even think about, a fear that Ashley’s health will turn and I will have to watch as she battles for every breath. An extra cough, a rattle in the chest, or sunken eyes send panic coursing through my veins. It pushes me to the point of fretful despair, which of course, Ashley experiences as pity and will have nothing to do with. Perhaps you can imagine her saying, “Aw heck no!” She will neither accept nor tolerate even the slightest hint of pity. And so I frantically do anything I can to stay busy and to try to provide for her the only way I know how (and distract myself in the process) – cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, keeping the house in repair, playing nurse... I feel better about myself because I have been able to do something, even if I could not save or fix Ashley.

But, and it is always a surprise to me, it seems Ashley still wants me to just be her husband - a partner and companion in life that shares in each and every joy, hurt, pain, and celebration. She wants and needs me to be who I once was, someone who is in tune and in touch, listening, noticing, being thoughtful and caring. My quest to do things for Ashley to combat CF perpetually gets in the way of my being a husband. In fact, it has caused me to forget how to even go about being a husband, and nowhere is this more glaring and evident than while we are on vacation, in "paradise."

I can’t switch off. I don’t know how to stop being caregiver, housekeeper, cook. It is patronizing to Ashley. She is not invalid, certainly not incapable, and does not need to be treated like a child. I know I make her feel that way at times, like while on vacation and I try to do, plan, and prepare everything for her. Meanwhile she’s looking for a husband, and I am stuck in caregiver mode, perhaps because I do not want to come face to face with the undertow of emotions lying below the surface, threatening to pull me under. Its much easier and safer to stay busy doing things for Ashley, and to equate (or confuse?) that business with showing love. 

Being a husband is not a role I can step into and out of. It’s at once an everyday and lifetime way of being that elevates and supports my spouse in each and every aspect of her life. True, it may involve some caregiving and doing of tasks in support of Ashley, but it needs to go deeper, and that is what I have lost touch with. Leave it to paradise to remind me that the sun and sea breeze does not fix everything.

This is hard for me to admit. I feel I have let Ashley down, myself down, and given CF a foothold in our lives. I hate putting it in writing, which seems to make it official by shedding light on it. But Ashley means too much to me to let the tide of CF erode our relationship as it thrusts painful emotions upon us and between us, threatening to drag us under into the undertow. 

  

I am in this with you, Ashley. I am committed to fighting CF in the many ways it creeps into our lives. But what’s more important, I love you, and I love you as the person that you are above, beyond, and regardless of CF. You are my sunshine, and I don’t ever want it to set on us or on our beautiful life together.  You are my paradise. 

What threatens to pull you into its undertow?

A Brave Journey

Bravery. It’s something that quietly dwells within each of us, giving silent guidance to every step we take and each dream inspired. It’s set free upon each breath that is shared upon our lips and embraced within every unknown possibility we take for granted. We call upon reinforcements in our most dire and desperate of states and generously share it with others when they are in need.

A Year of Remembering

As I take a moment to reflect on 2015 I find myself consumed by a single phrase: “be brave.” In one breath a year ago seems so very long ago, foreign, and like a dream. But in another breath it feels like it was just moments ago - that I could still reach out and touch it. The very core of who I am today is bound to those difficult days. Days filled with fear, heartache, disappointment, decisions, and moments consumed by tears. I’d be lying if I didn’t say it is still painful. The hurts stings like icy daggers deep within the depths of my being. At times I am paralyzed by a creeping familiarity that catches me off guard- feelings I’ve tried to banish from my existence. I try and forget such memories and the cold harsh realities of what CF is capable of doing. The recollection of how different today could be and the humbling realization of an always unknown and uncontrollable tomorrow consume me. As those memories vividly flash through my being, I do my best to push them from my mind – running furiously from the consciousness of CF.

Grace & Gratitude

On the other side of that pain is a beautiful grace and the deepest gratitude. Out of life’s adversity and pain comes unfathomable beauty. The life I have been given is more incredible than anything I could have imagined. A year ago I couldn’t have begun to tell you where life would lead me. But I had to bravely forge ahead – embracing every moment life was willing to give and dedicate myself to truly living. To love more deeply, risk more greatly, to never leave anything unsaid, be unabashedly me, be alive in every moment, breathe in every memory, be rooted in gratitude, and most of all, breathe bravely believing in life’s great possibilities. I alone did not do it but by the hands and strength of so many. I cannot fully appreciate my life today, the opportunities I’ve been so graciously given, and the people I love without remembering this past year. This is my life and to be grateful for it I must remember not only the joys but each brave step through the unknown adversities of CF. Each of those difficult days, moments laden with tears, and life-changing trials has led me to this very day, has molded me into who I am, and has given me some of life’s richest relationships and memories. And that is something more incredible than I could have ever imagined.

The pain of a year ago will always be present within me. I’ll always cringe and feel a sharp piercing in my side when it consumes my consciousness. But in forgetting I lose myself. I force myself to be still and open my eyes to this very moment. I quiet my racing heart and mind. I remind myself of the gift that is this very breath. As I find myself facing the dawn of another new year, I am immersed within waves of gratitude and the words, “be brave” reverberating through moments of the past and powerfully resounding within those of the future.

Just like last year I do not know what tomorrow will bring. But the truth is, none of us do. I do know, however, that whatever life offers we must be brave – never afraid to remember the journey that got us to this very beautiful moment in life while living bravely in today. And most of all, we must always be rooted in endless hope for tomorrow’s possibility. Here’s to remembering 2015 and the great possibility 2016 holds. Love to you all as we begin this incredible year together. 

Take a deep breath and hear the words “be brave” within every step you take.