Thursday, May 22, 2014
For the last six months I have solely been running on adrenaline: pushing my mind and body more and more each day trying to outrun CF. The busier I stay and the more I try and pack into my day the less room there is for CF. It may sound crazy, but I have mastered it pretty well.
The minute I slow down or let my guard down, CF seems to come at me with a vengeance. It sneaks up on me and attacks my body with everything its got. What do I do? Fight. I have too much life to live to let CF get in the way.
After pushing my body beyond its limits for the past 6 months and living on adrenaline, my body crashed on me this week. Even 2 weeks into IV therapy my body decided to revolt. Monday night I spent the entire night coughing, feeling I couldn't catch my breath and there was a 25 lb weight sitting on my chest. My body was chilled and sweating, and I ached all over. When I tried to get out of bed I could hardly walk down the stairs without feeling my knees and ankles were going to give out. My eyes hurt to even open them and it was difficult to focus on anything. How could this be happening? How could my body be doing this to me? It seems the harder I push my body and the longer I try to outrun CF, the greater the debt I seem to have to "pay" to CF when I do slow down for a moment. It's always waiting in the corner to seek its revenge, waiting for me to let my guard down.
I am pretty strong willed and minded: usually thinking I can "outthink" CF or overcome it with my mind and shear will. That is until it fights back with everything its got, catching me off guard, and reminding me of its presence in my life. CF may be present, but it will never be more powerful than my will to live fully and breathe deeply. I will pay my debt today, but tomorrow is a new day that will be all mine. I will lace up my running shoes and outrun CF. There is too much life to live to let CF dictate my life. Weeks like this make me appreciate the days when I feel like I am in charge of my life, when I feel like I own each beautiful breath. Love to you all.
What are you trying to outrun?